President Trump has announced a new initiative under his mass deportation program to deport chickens back to where they came from in Southeast Asia. The chickens will be subject to expedited removal, and they will not be able to claim asylum. Trump also issued an executive order halting all federal funding that may support chickens.
Out of an abundance of caution, to ensure continued federal funding, Drexel University has amended the Student Code of Conduct to ban all activities that may resemble chickening, such as hopping on one leg and rudely waking everyone up at 6 a.m. International students who order chicken over rice will have their visas revoked. Chick-Fil-A will be closed at Northside Dining Terrace until further notice.
The administration derives its legal authority from several sources. First, Secretary Kennedy, leading the Department of Health and Human Services, has declared a public health emergency after a reported death from avian flu that chickens spread. Title 42 allows for the rapid expulsion of migrants who pose a public health risk. Second, the administration announced it has found intelligence that chickens are actually secretly controlled by the Indian government to spy on the world and conduct biological warfare. This poses a huge national security risk. Third, chickens have been declared to be a foreign terrorist organization. The military has been ordered to shoot chickens on sight, and President Trump has declared a War on Chickens. The chickens have not chickened out of this fight.
So far, legal challenges have failed. Courts have concluded that if the president declares a national security risk, the government is allowed to do whatever it wants. The Supreme Court has also upheld a ban on the popular app ChikCok.
Trump has also threatened tariffs against any nation that contributes to the chicken industry. Economists largely agree that this would result in higher prices as the rest of the world enjoys chickens.
“They’ll be a little disturbance, but we’re OK with that,” President Trump posted on X.
Amid the dramatic drop in egg supply, Drexel scientists at the Department of Biodiversity, Earth and Environmental Science (BEES) are researching using native American cockroach (Periplaneta americana) eggs and have asked Shake Shack and Chestnut Square residents for any cockroach samples that they might catch.
The Chamber of Commerce and fast food industry groups have lobbied against the announcement. Republican congresspeople have also received backlash from their constituents who love chicken nuggets, particularly in the Midwest.
Today, Trump posted on X, “”Just heard from the Chamber of Commerce & some fast food groups whining about my beautiful chicken deportation plan. Sad! I’m doing what’s best for America – no one protects this country like I do. Maybe I’ll consider exemptions for your little sandwiches, but only because I miss Wendy’s chickens. Nobody knows deals like me!🐔 #AmericaFirst”
With many uncertainties around the future of chickens, one thing is clear: eggs cost $30 at Costco.