News rolled in earlier this week when President Daddy Fryz decided to take to an impromptu podium assembled in front of the Dragon statue where all the construction is. Over the sound of a cacophony of jackhammers and grown men ogling barely legal students, our fearless king, lord and savior did make a decree.
In that decree he informed the modest crowd of five students waiting to cross the street that Drexel University is making big moves forward in the squash space. Earlier this year Drexel announced its big plans to take the Armory, which had endless potential to be a place of community on this alienating campus, away from the students and turn it into squash courts.
I don’t know about you, but I was elated. Who needs school spirit and community when you can rally behind a sport that few people know about, even fewer people play and even fewer understand? Squash is the new polo.
Anyway, Fryz was atop his podium and giving his decree and he announced that Drexel has pooled all of the money it has gotten from overcharging its students and has purchased the Philadelphia Art Museum. Even better, they plan to tear apart the inside of this monolithic piece of Philadelphia history and culture and build even more squash courts.
The plan is to relocate the U.S. Squash Hall of Fame to this new primary location. At this Hall of Fame you can see legendary sights like Jahangir Khan’s famous blood-soaked sweatband from his infamous brawl with a tiger after the 2002 World Championship. You can also see Peter Nicol’s mom’s letter she wrote him wishing him good luck and describing the contents of the lunch she had packed him.
Mainly, there will be 86 new squash courts built in the complex: 79 singles courts and seven doubles courts. There is also a state of the art bar where you can order only an IPA with at least 90 IBU or a vodka water. On top of that, Drexel will be selling all of the art currently in the museum to funnel some funds back into its Schuylkill Yards project. Anonymous sources have been reporting this project may also feature some squash themed elements. Any and all art leftover will be burned in the first annual Drexel Bonfire of the Vanities. They will also be burning any and all art made by Westphal students who have reached out to administration about receiving help in the co-op search.
“Yeah it’s honestly gonna be pretty f——–ing dope you guys so like don’t even sweat it ahaha <3,” Fryz tweeted about the news.
Some students however had a different reaction to the news.
“Yeah I don’t know, man. I’m pretty pissed. Drexel has once again prioritized squash over curling and I just don’t understand how they keep making this mistake. People love curling!” Donald McRonald, a sports enthusiasm major, said.
The construction will start post haste and is planned to take about two years which, in Drexel construction time means it will likely be completed by June 2036.