After learning of the Department of Education’s initiative to reduce their workforce by 50 percent, Drexel University celebrated by removing the mandatory CR-1 training module that prohibits discrimination, harassment and retaliation.
Drexel administrators jumped with joy Wednesday morning after learning of the D.O.E.’s reduction in workforce by deciding to indefinitely waive the mandatory CR-1 training module for all Drexel students. According to one Drexel spokesman, “Thanks to efforts made by D.O.G.E., Drexel is no longer required to ask its students to treat each other with trivial courtesies such as ‘basic human decency,’ ‘kindness’ or even ‘tolerance.’”
The spokesman would go on to state that the University has long viewed these behaviors as “kind of cringe” and thinks the decision allows students to “finally grow up.”
Drexel’s new Italian president, Antonio Merlot, held an impromptu press conference that same evening. “As Drexel celebrates the recent D.O.G.E. cuts, I believe Drexel is in need to make some cuts of its own. As of today, the use of personal pronouns in email signatures is strictly prohibited. Any student or administrator who fails to comply will be subject to harsh disciplinary action.” Merlo went on to describe additional cuts he has planned for Drexel, primarily aimed towards the College of Arts and Sciences, Antoinette Westphal, and Dornsife. “It’s time we start focusing on majors that actually mean something!” said Merlo before donning a MAGA hat and playing “Y.M.C.A.” from his cellphone.
While most Drexel students support Merlot’s decision, many have taken it with a grain of salt, as Italians are prone to changing sides.
In response to this, parents and activists formed a protest in front of Mario the Magnificent, only to be removed by Philadelphia and Drexel Police. One P.P.D. officer stated, “At least this time there were no tents to maneuver around.”
Efforts were made to contact Temple University’s President John Fry, Merlot’s predecessor, for commentary. According to his staff, he was busy finalizing plans to gentrify North Central Philadelphia and the surrounding areas.