Against all the odds, The Rectangle secured an exclusive interview with incoming university president Antonio Merlot about his vision for his term as Drexel University’s 16th president.
The following interview has been heavily fabricated for clarity and levity.
The Rectangle: Could you introduce yourself?
AM: My name is Antonio Merlot, and I was the head coach for men’s water polo at UPenn from 2008 to 2014. Those years were the happiest years of my life. Just the water, the men, the economics, and the polo.
Rectangle: You’re also currently a dean at NYU and next in line to be president of Drexel University.
AM: Now, yes. I also play water polo myself.
Rectangle: How else would you describe yourself?
AM: I am a scholar in economics. I focus in the political economy. Italy is home to a great people, but their economy, it is so-so. To study, I came to America, the biggest economy.
As a person? As a person, I would describe myself as the strong, silent type, like Gary Cooper. What ever happened to the strong, silent type?
Rectangle: Your scholarly work studies how political forces can govern the market. In light of the recent trade wars, where do you see the economy headed? Does this have a precedent?
AM: The way I see it, we are fucked. It’s no good, capiche? I am glad I kept my citizenship. This is a sinking ship. It is like the Costa Concordia. Bad.
Rectangle: Like previous president John Fry, you come from Penn, but unlike him, come from an academic background. Do you think that growing into leadership has given you a different perspective?
AM: Well running a school, a college, a university, it is all very similar. It is all, really, it is like making love to a woman.
Rectangle: Could you elaborate?
AM: You Americans understand nothing of this. Let us keep moving.
Rectangle: Is it daunting coming to a university that is already midway through an “academic transformation” that you had no input in?
AM: I have no idea of how to straighten out this mess you speak. Being a leader, leading your people, it is always just cleaning up their mess. But this is a mess, a big mess. How one can make the most confusing calendar in all the higher education more confusing? And call it progress? It goes beyond belief. And no water polo? Merda.
Rectangle: As demographic shifts are becoming increasingly unfavorable to higher education, what steps should colleges and universities be taking today?
AM: As younger people tend to say, we will be cooked, but I plan to be retired by then. In all reality, you will probably have to be acquired by Penn.
Rectangle: Your background is that of a first-generation international student. Do you think that positions you well to navigate the current political climate?
AM: Drexel has a history of these things. Drexel the man, he was of Austrian descent. Me, being an Italian, we have that. And I believe that an Italian-Austrian alliance can do powerful things.
Rectangle: The climate has since turned against international students. Coming from that background, what would you say to this generation?
AM: Many of the brightest people in this country immigrated, because Americans are not bright, and they have outshone their idiot peers. But to immigrant students now, I would say: they should have come when I did, when there was a race to the top of intellectualism, not the bottom. Tough.
Rectangle: What are your biggest concerns about transitioning back to life in Philadelphia?
AM: Concerns? No concerns. You will be seeing me at the Italian Market, where the worthwhile food is. If you do not see me, check the top of the grease pole.