In a surprise to literally no one, the newly created Department of Drexel Efficiency (DODE) has failed to cut spending on the Drexel Health Center due to the realization that the center never had any funding to begin with. The head of DODE, Stealon Masc, expressed his disappointment with the department’s inability to reduce costs in an exclusive interview with the Rectangle. “We thought that we could easily cut staffing costs to reduce expenditure, but next to nobody works there,” the dipshit recounted, “We had to wait thirty minutes in the lobby just for a staff member to tell us to book an appointment online and come back then.”
DODE tried to reduce treatment costs by sending any patient in the Health Center with a serious condition to Penn Medicine, only to realize that is already the center’s policy. “It was frustrating,” Masc recalls, “How could we strip this service of all its functionality if it has none to begin with?” DODE has plans to send emails to all Drexel employees asking them to name five things that they have accomplished in the past week. Masc outlined plans, in a series of 230 tweets over two days to cut, “Underachievers and dead weight” from university payroll. He also floated the idea of raising student copays for all basic health services.
It remains unknown how successful these cost cutting initiatives will be.