After learning of the Department of Education’s initiative to reduce their workforce by 50 percent, Drexel University celebrated by removing the mandatory CR-1 training module that prohibits discrimination, harassment and retaliation. Drexel administrators jumped with joy Wednesday morning after learning of the D.O.E.’s reduction in workforce by deciding to indefinitely waive the mandatory CR-1 training […]
In a surprise to literally no one, the newly created Department of Drexel Efficiency (DODE) has failed to cut spending on the Drexel Health Center due to the realization that the center never had any funding to begin with. The head of DODE, Stealon Masc, expressed his disappointment with the department’s inability to reduce costs […]
After months of investigating inefficiencies in Drexel’s medical program, Drexel University has officially implemented an innovative policy designed to provide every nursing student with the opportunity to participate in immersive, first-person surgical research. The university claims that studying dead bodies is an outdated practice. “Nurses and doctors should prevent dead bodies. You don’t operate on […]
The Triangle editorial board often talks about the creator of The Triangle, and how it all came to be. But, it’s time we share the lore with the common folks: First, there was the Big Bang. And on the 8th day God said, “Let there be John Triangle.” In 1906, John Triangle was born. But, […]
Facing severe financial troubles, Drexel University has announced that the University of Pennsylvania will be absorbing Drexel. As Drexel explaineds in a press release, this move will allow Drexel to pay off $700 million of debt accrued from paying university executives with UPenn’s endowment.
Amidst student complaints of deadly smells emanating from 3675 Market Street, Drexel University’s home for the College of Computing and Informatics, CCI Dean announces new policies in a hope to crack down on rampant hygiene issues. Stewie Bryant, Director of Drexel’s Bachelor’s CS Program, reflected that “even after eighty years of teaching computer science at […]
Last Friday, the American Public Transportation Association ranked SEPTA as the cleanest transit system in North America — a title I had to confirm as a veteran rider. I walked down the soon-to-be “Drexel Station” at 30th Street and braced myself for an experience I’d undergone many times: one faceted by the SEPTA smells of […]
News rolled in earlier this week when President Daddy Fryz decided to take to an impromptu podium assembled in front of the Dragon statue where all the construction is. Over the sound of a cacophony of jackhammers and grown men ogling barely legal students, our fearless king, lord and savior did make a decree. In […]
Drexel University is well-regarded for its rigorous, fast-paced academics, its extensive community involvement and service, and its worldwide cooperative education program. But Drexel recently placed extremely high on a brand new U.S. News Colleges Ranking — for Biggest College Campus Construction Projects. Drexel’s landed in first place on the list for the numerous, never-ending, costly […]
After facing five years of double secret probation for failing to comply with Drexel University’s alcohol policy, respected fraternity Tau Epsilon Epsilon Kappa has bought the university and overturned the punishment. The fraternity reports that this transaction was funded by alumni donations. “I think it really is a testament to the importance of self-reliance. When […]
Ricky Maher-Money-Maher-Problems, a teaching assistant at Drexel, made national news this week by tweeting to thousands of followers: “All I Want for Spring Break is Freshman Genocide.” “Nah, bro. I totally didn’t mean it like that,” Maher-Money-Maher-Problems told a Rectangle reporter, shaking his head. “Does anyone understand what the term ‘freshman genocide’ means? Of course […]
“She had so much life left to live,” Toot Toot McPhee stuttered through tissues. “I mean, she was an art history major, so she was going to starve to death anyway, but … it was just too soon,” she cried, inconsolable at the death of her “bestie for life,” Marsha Brady. It has now been […]
In an attempt to increase competitiveness and support expanding demands for capital, Drexel’s administration has begun using a new app that targets areas for the University to levy fees, termed “impositions,” on the student body. Planned to be enacted in the 2016-2017 academic year, proposed tariffs include a cover charge for the Handschumacher Dining Center, […]
To encourage students to maintain a high grade point average and to push the barriers of their academic development, the Honors Lounge has always provided several fine amenities, including free printing, tutoring sessions and occasionally, coffee and donuts. However, to compete with the growing diversity of amenities offered at schools around the country, the Panini […]
President Frizzle Fries has been in the University City spotlight in recent weeks after a UPS delivery mistake outed him as the Office of Student Life’s surprise participant in the Drexel Drag Show later this April. Fries is known for pushing the boundaries of campus engagement and rallying behind everything that seems to be popular with […]
As a result of the lack of vegan options at the Handschumacher Dining Center, some Drexel University students have begun to harvest the bountiful produce of the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building’s biowall. Instead of eating at the Hans, dozens of vegetable-hungry students brought forks and knives to PISB to feast on the biowall’s 80-foot span […]
Drexel University has launched a new giving campaign directed at prospective students under the name “#myfuture.” The #myfuture campaign encourages prospective students to make donations in addition to their $50 application fee to “ensure their future at Drexel University.” The campaign has been touted by DrexelNow as a revolutionary new way to raise funds for […]
In a move designed to decrease students’ post-graduation debt burdens and to increase Drexel’s affordability, the University has decided to lower tuition significantly for the 2015-16 academic year. This action, unprecedented in the modern academic world, comes as a result of the University becoming more acutely aware of the problems faced by recent graduates and […]
In a report in the Daily Pennsylvanian, it was revealed that Drexel University’s independent student newspaper has been fabricating its news stories for the past 89 years. The story, titled “Our Poor Neighbor Newspaper Is Worse Than We Thought,” ran in the March 10 issue of the paper and gave rise to social media chatter […]
President Curly Fries awarded honorary undergraduate degrees March 31 to two Keating Co. employees who worked on the construction of Gerri C. LeBow Hall. They did not take any classes or complete any credits at the University. The decision to award degrees was well considered, not spur of the moment, according to Fries. Fries’ decision […]
On March 17, the University of Pennsylvania announced the creation of a new scholarship known as the “Quaker Legacy Scholarship,” which will reward students simply for being born into the right family. The Quaker Legacy Scholarship is intended to ensure that the children of alumni, donors and anyone who has ever attended a UPenn tailgate […]
President Trump has announced a new initiative under his mass deportation program to deport chickens back to where they came from in Southeast Asia. The chickens will be subject to expedited removal, and they will not be able to claim asylum. Trump also issued an executive order halting all federal funding that may support chickens. […]
Following Netflix’s third price hike in a year, a group of fed-up seniors from Drexel University’s Close School of Entrepreneurship haves exclusively shared their plans to start their own streaming platform. Quick to pre-empt skepticism about the redundancy of what might seem like just another drop in the ocean of streaming, the group revealed that […]
In a heartbreaking announcement to students and faculty, the Drexel University Counseling Center announced that the beloved therapy and emotional support dogs, Espresso, Java, and Mocha Latte, had vanished overnight. “We have no idea what happened. We left them in their beds last night, and when we got back they were gone,” said a representative […]
Navigating a new school can be a challenge for many new students, but few will face an interior layout as complex as the one braved by Drexel students with classes in the historic Main Building. Aptly named for its many purposes as a joint space for classes, the performing arts, administrative office spaces, and more, […]
In a (not so shocking) turn of events, Drexel University President John Frye has signed a contract with the United States Construction corporation to turn the University City campus of Drexel into a themed amusement park, supposedly the largest and most theatrical amusement park in the Northeast United States.
Earlier on in the term, Drexel University experienced a mid-week snow day. School was cancelled for Wednesday, with the notification going out Tuesday night when no snow was even on the ground. Come Wednesday afternoon, Drexel was one large blanket of snow. If you had taken any ganders outside during the day, you would’ve seen […]
President Daddy Fryz was escorted out of Main Building in handcuffs the morning of April 1 after an extensive assisination plot was uncovered, police say. The conspiracy unraveled last Thursday when a Drexel University Facilities worker was repairing a broken drawer in the President’s office. When the worker removed the drawer, he noticed a hand-written […]
Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the street […]
Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the […]
BigBounce’s biggest problem is that it got too big too fast, said Snooty Cahoots, former co-op and chairman of Bempis International and current Rectangle staff proctologist. Cahoots, also a senior Badidea entrepreneurship student, stood at the foot of Mario, the university dragon mascot, watching students hurl themselves onto a large trampoline he’d stretched between Mario’s […]
A line of affluent middle-aged white people in expensive suits put on hard hats for no discernable reason and moved small piles of dirt three inches from where they originally were as part of the Poorman groundbreaking ceremony March 20. The Poorman Building and Poorman Quadrangle’s renovation was put in motion when the Poorman family […]
The Drexel Judicial Committee investigated several reports of hazing this week within Drexel’s chapter of the National Kanye West Appreciation Club. The committee’s official conclusion was that the hazing was brought on by one of the organization’s former candidates. However, the committee determined that there was in fact no hazing, outlined in their unofficial report. […]
As of April 1, 2016, more than one hundred Drexel University students have been hospitalized with an ailment that is believed to be connected with reintegration to the quarter system after experiencing six months of the cooperative education (co-op) program. The illness was initially suspected to be the norovirus, which has recently swept nearby campuses […]
In an unprecedented move to further its control on housing for students, Drexel University announced March 13 via email that construction had begun to turn Drexel Park into a cemetery, where alumni will be interred to fulfill the new after-death on-campus housing requirement. The announcement, appended to a course evaluation reminder, at first went largely […]
Drexel University’s Department of Public Safety held a tournament to select two of the University’s most infamous Drexel Alerts in 2014 to compete in the most brutal cage wrestling match. After possibly one of the bloodiest events in television history, the final match up comes between Alert contenders “Silver Toga” and “Brass Knuckles.” The event, […]
Drexel’s Office of Campus Activities announced March 31 that the Good Idea Fund, a sponsor of on-campus events and programming proposed by individual members of the Drexel community since 2010, will be renamed the Bad Idea Fund and repurposed to waste unused funds awarded to student organizations by the Student Activity Fee Allocation Committee. “The […]
Edward Snowden confirmed exclusively to The Rectangle this week that he was responsible for leaking the file of student information via the Steinbright Career Development Center last winter term. He claims this was a desperate plea to draw attention to what he sees as Drexel’s institutionalized mistreatment of students. “I have seen some shit in […]
Skippy the Dog is a beloved dog who resides in a fraternity house at Drexel. A resident Rectangle reporter met with Skippy and was able to translate his answers. Rectangle Rants: What’s your story? What brought you to Drexel? Skippy the Dog: I used to live behind a giant glass wall with other animals. People […]
Against all the odds, The Rectangle secured an exclusive interview with incoming university president Antonio Merlot about his vision for his term as Drexel University’s 16th president. The following interview has been heavily fabricated for clarity and levity. The Rectangle: Could you introduce yourself? AM: My name is Antonio Merlot, and I was the head […]
Drexel University sororities are in a crisis after unexpected tariffs were imposed last Friday by the US president, driving up the essential cost of cheese and wine in highly populated areas. Drexel Social Chair of Delta Gamma Brie Thompson opened up and expressed her anger towards the president’s decision with her statement, “Oh hell no…” […]
Ushering in a new golden age for debauchery, recent executive orders by President Trump to repeal DEI (diversity, equality and inclusion) initiatives have given new hope for hazing’s return to Drexel fraternities. The repealed initiatives offered protection against hazing for students in universities nationwide, by creating safe spaces for students to report harassment. The scrapped […]
On March 19, Drexel University announced a new policy regarding former students of the University of the Arts who had transferred to the Antoinette Westphal College of Media Arts and Design after its unfortunate demise. The policy will deport all UArts refugees on sight in an attempt to deal with the overpopulation issues of Westphal. […]
In a move that has left students scratching their heads and commuters bewildered, Drexel University has announced its acquisition of the iconic William H. Gray III 30th Street Station for a staggering $500 million. University officials unveiled their grand plan to transform the bustling transportation hub into the ultimate student center, complete with gourmet dining […]
Drexel University’s Pi Kappa Alpha hosted a celebration for International Women’s Day on March 8. The fraternity, who lost their house for two years this past September, was granted a one- time exception by President John Frye to host the celebration at the vacant facility. The fraternity, also referred to as Pike, publicized the event […]
After a long, grueling campaign to stave off financial ruin, The University of Pennsylvania’s historied newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian has run out of money. The newspaper desperately grasped for life after almost running going broke a few months ago. They ended up raising over $19,000 in a few weeks, mostly because everyone just wanted to […]
Students of the College of Arts and Sciences — especially the biology and chemistry kids, since they are the ones who spend the most time in the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building — were shocked when they got an email from the dean of CoAS announcing that the Biowall is going to be replaced with plastic […]
Piper Upper, assistant vice director of the office of unnecessary construction, made all campus traffic lights blue and yellow April 1 in a last ditch effort to increase school spirit. Following poor attendance at every sporting event, campus bonding activity and university pride orgies, every traffic light on campus now hypnotically flashes Drexel colors, thanks […]
If you’re reading this right now then you must be one of The Triangle’s countless adoring fans. Sometimes it feels that The Triangle may even be getting a bit too big for their britches, and it may soon be catching up with them. An inexperienced, heartless hack of a writer who goes by the name […]
Real estate mogul and United States not my President Donald Trump reached an agreement April 1 with Hospitality3 to purchase The Study and transform it into a bigger hotel that will also feature a strip mall and club. This came as a shock to the university community, as the hotel just announced its opening one […]
Drexel’s last tenured professor, Yuol Shit of the engineering department, announced he would be retiring early yesterday. After a buttload of pressure from the university (new severance package offers were being discretely jammed under his office door every morning) Shit agreed to “just get the goddamn thing over with already”. Administrative officials have been slowly […]
According to a study published by Yukon State University March 25, an increasing number of young adults across America are starting to participate in trampling, a raunchy activity wherein two or more individuals derive joy from trampling on someone’s back in heels or being trampled upon, respectively— whether at parties, clubs, the office or in […]
In a burst of unprecedented action, Shodickso Ltd. recently cancelled its contract with Drexel Dining, ending the era of the Handschumacher Dining Hall. The Hans announced via a poorly organized MySpace page that the dining hall would serve its last meal to students on April 1, 2016. “Regrettably, the infamous [sic.] Handschumacher will be closing […]
Drexel University President Juan Fry announced in January he was going to participate in the Philadelphia Naked Bike Ride in order to raise money for a nonprofit organization that teaches underprivileged kids to play squash, called Squashing Institutional Poverty. PNBR, an annual event that has gone for about six years in the City of Brotherly […]
The James E. Marks Intercultural Center, largely known as the central hub of religious worship at Drexel University, met its demise this year at the hands of Drexel University’s officials. They convened at the top of the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building each dressed as a different Greek god, cackling around an artificial lightning-bolt machine called […]
In what can only be described as a shocking turn of events, junior electrical engineering student Frank Peterson decided to engage his classmates in conversation for the first time in over three years. Peterson, almost always studying for his next thermo exam, engaged those in the immediate vicinity of his desk for over five minutes […]
A surge of missing person reports has recently been linked to the startlingly long Starbucks line in the lobby of the Gerri C. LeBow Hall. Drexel students have been disappearing into the coffee shop en masse, never to be seen again. Starbucks has attempted to distance itself from this scandal, saying that students vanished before […]
Squash farmers from around the United States have gathered at the Daskalakis Athletic Center to compete in the U.S. Squash Open. A proud tradition at Drexel, the hosting of the U.S. Open has been a particular favorite of Drexel President Curly Fries. “It’s truly an honor to be able to bring together so many people […]
The following are crimes that occurred on or near campus and were reported to The Rectangle by the Drexel University Department of Public Safety between March 25, 20134 and April 1, 2014. All information included in this report is taken from law enforcement or DPS incident reports. Assault 1 March 24, 2:19 p.m. 3500 Block […]