The University of Pennsylvania has announced its plan to open a luxury squash center on campus, named The University of Pennsylvania Ivy League Squash Center of the University of Pennsylvania. In the announcement for the squash center, the university pledged to invest $80 million into the project, coincidentally double the cost of Drexel’s. The squash center is expected to overthrow Drexel’s claim to the country’s largest squash center, as well as set a new world record.
“We are not worried about the cost; our enrollment rate is as strong as ever, and there are always plenty of parents with mediocre children that are willing to make donations,” Penn officials said.
The US Squash World Open has announced plans to relocate to the Penn facility. The project has the support of the university’s most talented and special alum, Donald J. Trump. Said the president in a series of posts on X, “Squash is an all-powerful American sport, which I am the very best at… must be an Olympic sport… I would like to compete but I am swamped. Very very bussy,” along with an AI video of himself violently battering Joe Biden with a squash racket. X users subsequently pointed out that squash was actually created in England and is already scheduled to be included in the 2028 Los Angeles Olympic Games.
The University of Pennsylvania Ivy League Squash Center of the University of Pennsylvania is set to decimate Drexel’s remaining budget alongside all remaining school spirit. One concerned student told our team, “We are losing the greatest institution, the very heart of our campus.” Drexel students have announced plans to gather on Penn’s campus to protest the new facility, and Penn’s administration has hired a team of armed police to “peacefully deal with the protesters.”