Couch Potato Porn The Rectangle
Martin Scorsese has established himself as the “Bad Grandpa” of Hollywood because of his successful fi lm formula of sex, drugs,
violence and profanity. It comes as no surprise, then, that the director’s newest project will be a 16-hour-long porno.
Over five decades, Martin Scorsese has built a successful career in film with a simple brew of drugs, sex, violence and derivatives of his all-time favorite word in the English language: “fuck” After the three-hour magnum opus that was December’s “The Wolf of Wall Street,” audiences didn’t think that he could get any raunchier with his movies.
“Are you kidding? I’m just getting started,” the 71-year-old director, whose peers have labeled him the “Bad Grandpa” of Hollywood, said.
“I will not rest until I have created the longest and most profane movie ever. Tarantino ain’t got nothin’ on me,” he said, shooting a guy in the head and doing a line of coke off a stripper’s ass, while the piano coda to Eric Clapton’s “Layla” played over a boom box. “You know what they say: ‘Go big or you’re a fucking asshole.’”
It is for this very reason that Scorsese recently announced that his newest project would be a 16-hour-long pornographic film.
“There’s just so much graphic content in the movies we’ve done over the years that the next logical step was porn,” the director’s long-time editor Thelma Schoonmaker said as she spliced several subliminal naked images into a reel of “Frozen” during her part-time job as a projectionist in a Los Angeles movie theater. In regard to the elongated running time, she commented, “I was hoping for a more humble 12 hours, but Marty convinced me to keep a lot of stuff in and that includes footage from when we left the camera on by accident for several hours, filming a blank concrete wall.”
The title, like the run time, is also a little on the long side since Scorsese “simply couldn’t make up his mind.” “The Good Fella Who Opened A Casino But Then Departed To Become A Taxi Driver But That Didn’t Work Out So He Tried To Become An Aviator As Well As A King Of Comedy But Only Ended Up Getting Caught Up In The Gangs of New York Only To Be Killed By A Raging Bull And A Wolf During The After Hours On The Mean Streets In The Age Of Innocence” is about the sexual and tragic journey of one Italian-American man, Shmeonardo Di Naprio, that takes place in New York’s Little Italy and ends in Boston’s south side. While the director was very secretive about the plot, he said, “Like any good porno, you don’t need a plot — just a basic outline of one and a bunch of outrageous and improbable scenarios that aren’t really held together except by people having sex. Without giving too much away, the movie deals with a man trying to avoid the crime all around him, but only ends up getting sucked into it literally and figuratively, if you catch my drift. In such a world, he must fuck to survive … and do lots of drugs and kill people.”
The coveted role of Di Naprio went to long-time Scorsese collaborator Leonardo DiCaprio, who was shocked that he was even considered.
“I was speechless when Marty offered me the role of a guy who’s so different from me in personality and name, but I was honored nonetheless. Perhaps this will be the movie where the academy finally sees what I’ve got to offer. Oh and by that, I mean my penis,” said the 39-year-old actor who will appear naked onscreen for over half the movie.
Joining DiCaprio will be Robert De Niro as his father who can’t stop scowling. Joe Pesci plays the villain, a ruthless mafia hitman who can only speak in four-letter swear words. Mark Walhberg and Jonah Hill will be playing two horny Boston police officers who work part-time as male strippers and trade hilarious repartee that is often garbled by their thick, stereotypical Massachusetts accents.
“We’ll be pahking the cah in Hahvahd Yahd fasta than you can say ‘I’m not a cawp’ or get a cup a cawfee with some chawklit,” Walhberg said in a statement that had nothing to do with his role or the movie.
As for the female roles, Scorsese decided to hire famous female pornographic actresses. “They’re seasoned veterans of the trade. They know exactly what they’re doing,” said the director. “They know how to fake an orgasm and drive up our sexual expectations of reality like no one else out there!”
Opting to forgo the fancy equipment used to make his other movies, Scorsese has adopted a more homemade technique for his movie. “You can’t make a porno without s—ty handheld cameras and poor lighting. We got it all as well as a daring soundtrack which is just “Gimme Shelter” on a loop for 16 hours straight.” The movie, slated for a holiday release, has already gotten Scorsese fans buzzing about all the sex, cursing (half the screenplay is just a long unbroken string of profanity according to “Variety”), violence, nudity, drugs and all other types of graphic content for the whole family to enjoy. When asked if this would be his masterful swan song before retirement, the director had one simple answer: “Maybe yes. Maybe no. Maybe go fuck yourself.”