There are two dining halls that Drexel University students who are on the school’s meal plan may frequent. These dining halls are controversial among Drexel students. “The meal plan is a scam,” says one disgruntled diner at Urban Eatery. “You pay a stupid amount of money and the food’s barely edible.” When asked for an opinion on the semi-corporeal spawn of Cthulhu who is responsible for said food, that same diner responded, “What?”
“Wait, seriously? That’s what you booked this meeting for? So you could ask about your school’s dining food?” said Cherelle Parker, mayor of Philadelphia, while discussing the matter.
When told that the majority of Drexel sophomores choose to opt out of the meal plan the first chance they get, Parker said, “You went through all this effort to get this interview with me and this is what you want to use it for?”
When informed of a recent survey, which discovered that over 95 percent of dining hall attendees would rather eat pizza from Domino’s than pizza from Urban, Parker said, “That actually is concerning. I’ll look into that.”
The non-terrestrial being in charge of the controversial food does not have a name that is possible for humans to pronounce, however, he’s colloquially known by his worshippers as “Zonathire The All-Knowing.” When informed of the many dissatisfied customers of Drexel’s dining halls, Zonathire argued only that, “The time of mortal reckoning will soon be upon us,” and provided “The Book of Colzanoth” as his only source. Our fact-checkers were unable to verify the credibility of this source. When asked if any changes were being planned for the food, Zonathire responded with a sharp pulsating hum emanating from somewhere within my own skull, followed by the sound of all my loved ones crying out in agony.