The Oscars: the biggest night in Hollywood. It’s also probably the biggest night in other places, but definitely the biggest one in Hollywood. Unless all those Hollywood stars all get together for an exclusive party on another night during the year, like a Screen Actors Guild version of the Bilderberg Group, that would probably be a bigger night than the Oscars. But anyways, the Oscars is probably a bigger night than 50 percent% of the other nights in Hollywood.
And the biggest award for the Big Night is the best picture. This year, the competition was tough. A horror-comedy, a historical drama and some movie about clothes that are haunted all vied for the top spot. But out of left field, a winner was crowned: The Shape of Water. And personally, I couldn’t be happier to see some representation of people like me in Hollywood: horny guys and gals that just want to make love to fish.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve felt different. I would spend hours by the river, just watching the fish swim by and feeling… sensations. In middle school my friends would discuss how hot our science teacher was, but I was busy staring at the fish we were dissecting. High school was even worse. When I was caught making out with the school mascot Freddy the Flounder, I had to switch schools.
My whole life has been miserable. I can’t get a job due to the numerous convictions I have from trespassing at aquariums. I’m not allowed within 500 yards of most bodies of water. My finances are ruined from trying to turn my studio apartment into a fully-functioning 1000-gallon fish tank. And my health isn’t the best either, as my diet consists only of Goldfish crackers. But my luck finally changed this year when I heard about the movie made by Mr. Del Toro (which is Spanish for “of the Toro”).
A love story about a human and a fish whose love was challenged by the all-powerful Man? This was my life story! Del Toro even managed to perfectly capture the average fish lover by portraying the character as a mute janitor. While I was ecstatic to finally see some real representation in Hollywood, I was worried it wouldn’t be well received. But boy oh boy was I wrong.
“The Shape of Water” had some tough competition at the Oscars, but I still held out hope that the best film I’ve ever seen would get the big award. There was that scary movie about black people who are white people, and that other one about some gay guys in Italy, but both of those groups have received plenty of awards and representation in Hollywood and the world around us, so who really cares.
When the best picture winner was finally announced, I felt like my heart was going to explode. I was so happy that I immediately jumped into the closest body of water I could find. Unfortunately that was my neighbor’s kiddie pool and I was yet again arrested for trespassing, but nothing could dampen my mood.
It’s been a month since this glorious cultural milestone. While the layperson may not have noticed anything major changing yet, it will come soon. In the near future, man and fish will be able to walk down the street hand in hand. And it’s all thanks to “The Shape of Water.”