The Rectangle

What the FUCK is your FUCKING major??

Question 1) Which type of water bottle would you carry around campus on your way to your 9 a.m. class after halloweekend?

  1. A multipurpose Owala that you can both sip through the integrated straw and flip it up and down without spilling whatever is inside. It’s okay though because it’s so colorful that people can see it from a mile away and it’s TikTok approved so why not?
  2. The ancient Hydro Flask that only the VSCO of girls uses, along with your puka shell necklace and air force ones, you are ready to take on the day with a radiant smile
  3. An overpriced Stanley that falls on the ground every time you sit, making a very large noise and spilling water through its unprotected top. All the most influential people of our generation have them so in order to hop on the trend you burn the hole in your bank account to get it. Worth it?
  4. A tried and true silver metal water bottle that causes a sound louder than the Big Bang when you drop it on the ground. You, like, don’t understand the need to pay $30 for a water bottle when you have this one that you got for free during a high school job fair. 

Question 2) Scenario: You booked a study room at the library for 12 p.m. and saw a group of students still eating Wawa inside at 12 p.m. How would you react?

  1. Loudly sigh, kick and bang on their door, rolling your eyes and flipping them off for taking up your study space-time.
  2. Quietly knock and stare inside, a guilty smile on your face as you profusely apologize for taking the room during your allocated time.
  3. Immediately enter without knocking, pushing all their food to the floor and throwing chairs at them until they pack up and leave. 
  4. Call the Drexel security at the front doors of the library, call 911 and enlist the help of the National Guard to banish the students from the space that became yours.

Question 3) What is your favorite accessory to carry on your weekly Trader Joe’s run? 

  1. An oversized pair of prada sunglasses that you use to hide the judgemental glares you send to the “normal people” holding white bread as you pick up your meat-free, egg-free, protein-free, wheat-free, carbohydrate-free, peptide-free, collagen-free, crust-free bread with a hint of pumpkin and zucchini. 
  2. A giant tote bag to carry your strong sense of entitlement as you walk into Trader Joes like the owner of the establishment, walking around the store in your normal routine, first the frozen food section, then the fresh fruits and vegetables and finally to pick up your weekly box of gluten-free pumpkin mix (for your morning pancakes of course)
  3. Five reusable shopping bags that you’re unsure of how you acquired, but you have a sneaking suspicion that your mom gave to you one time many months ago. 
  4. A bat in case anyone tries to get the last of your coveted mac and cheese or brown sugar oat beverage. You will not be seen drinking dairy. 

Question 4) You are craving Halal on a Thursday evening, which Halal truck do you go to?

  1. None I hate Halal (we are judgingly staring at you right now)
  2. The yellow truck (yes, the one with the pretty guy) next to the DAC where you get your normal order of chicken over rice like everyone else on campus. You stare at the truck, salivating as they make your order, and pretend not to hear when they ask if you want white sauce, hot sauce or both. 
  3. One of the green Halal trucks that you swear are the same thing every time you walk past them. It could be the one in front of PISB or the other one next to the infamous Halal truck. As you stand at the Dragon statue attempting to decide which one to go to without seeming like you don’t know what you’re doing, you finally just walk away. 
  4. Any of them, it doesn’t matter which one they’re all the same anyway (why do people care so much about which one they go to anyway)?
  5. Walk all the way to Penn’s campus for Halal (it’s cheaper and better and at least you can act like you’re a student there for the third time that day).

Question 5) You are a freshman and nutrient and sleep-deprived, which dining hall do you go to? 

  1. Urban. Even though they were recently flagged for the presence of rodents and other creatures you need to survive somehow so their bare salad of leaves and tomatoes and a slice of pizza (again) topped off with a nice three drops of the non-fat milk (who needs more than that anyway).
  2. Hans. Although it sounds alot like “hands” and rarely has anyone actually inside, the grilled cheese days are to die for and you would literally fight people to get more than one (you probably do scream at everyone else and cut the line while you’re at it)
  3. Northside dining. One word: Chick-fil-A. A fix of nice hot, fresh chicken and waffle fries can cure any mood swing that you are currently having, whether it’s your roommate constantly changing the temperature to 90 degrees in 60 degree weather or the hairballs you find every morning in the communal showers. 
  4. None. You pay $30,000 for dining hall food because it’s required but it’s okay because you’re a nepo baby and don’t have to eat it. You have a nice routine of food you buy every week instead. Chipotle on Monday, Wawa on Tuesday, Shake Shack on Wednesday and so on. The list never ends and neither does your bank account. 

Question 6) What is your go-to coffee place on campus?

  1. You don’t drink coffee. Water is your drug. If you’re feeling a little spicy maybe you decide to spend the seven dollars on a nice packaged bottle of Fiji water. 
  2. You love the $2 coffee at the Supreme 33rd Street Wawa, which feels more hidden than your last relationship.
  3. Overrated Board and Brew — where the price of a coffee and bagel is more shocking than your last exam grade. Might just make you go bankrupt.
  4. You would much rather walk 20 mins to Madis, just to not find a single empty seat. It’s always packed, but hey, you get to have a fancy and overpriced Cinnamon Honey Spiced latte with oat milk, an extra shot of espresso, and all the other extravagant add-ons that make your caffeine addiction feel like a luxurious experience.
  5. Saxbys (PISB): You go here before your evening class when you need your coffee fix to get through the next 2.5 hours of absolute torture as you struggle to keep up with the pace of your professor, your hand is cramping as you race to write everything down and all you want is a nap and a hug from a capybara. 
  6. Starbucks Lebow: You’re done. You’re canceled. That’s it. 

Question 7) How do you cross the road from the DAC to the library?

  1. Like a squid, flailing your arms as you cross to ward off any passersby and stop the oncoming traffic from running you over. 
  2. Like a pack of Skittles, practically rolling across the intersection as your friends are not far behind. 
  3. Like a roll of sushi: you have a lot of hidden trauma and many “layers” of feelings inside you so you slowly trudge across the street, defeated from your day and your significant other who just broke up with you in front of insomnia while you were about to buy them a cookie
  4. Like Simbabwe: this is up to your interpretation although you can probably imagine. Running alongside fields of grass with zebras with you. You are wild. You are free. You are one with nature. You run across the intersection with no worries and a free heart, or at least you run into a car (pray for it to be a Drexel Vehicle) trying to turn on a red light, fall down and break your face. Hey, at least you can get free tuition now?? 

Question 8) What is your weekly workload like?

  1. You have five back-to-back exams that you have been pulling multiple all-nighters in a row for. You can’t remember the last time you slept and have a glazed look on your face every time someone speaks to you. You schedule your daily 12 a.m. cry session on the 25th floor of the Summit sky lounge. 
  2. Three essays of five plus pages that you write holed up in your room or the library. You and your computer have become one and you don’t remember a time when you weren’t looking at the screen. If you have to do one more literary analysis, you will spontaneously combust and decompose into the ground. Both at the same time of course. 
  3. Arts and crafts. Drawing that picture with three whole colors was so extremely difficult that you take a Netflix break on a Tuesday afternoon while holding a 12 pack of beer. 
  4. What is homework? You stopped attending your classes during week two and you’re unsure of anything that’s happened. You’re too terrified of what you’ve missed to check the Blackboard course shell, so you elect not to and buy yourself a little treat. Ice cream? Boom Boom pizza? The vibes will decide and drain out the sorrows of your regret. 

Question 9) When the weekend hits, what is the first thing that you do?

  1. Make plans to go clubbing with your friends immediately. You’re exhausted from classes all week, but counting on a nap to revive your spirit so that you can rally. You end up getting black-out drunk and waking up to a series of Instagram story posts you don’t remember uploading. 
  2. You rot in bed. Your social battery is as dead as it can possibly get and you wonder if you’ll ever have the will to be around people again. It is time to be cozy and that’s it. Two wonderful days of you, “Gilmore Girls” and chocolate chip cookies.
  3. Taking a break? What’s that? You’ve never heard of anything but the grind and strive to become an academic weapon. Your blood is pumping with the caffeine of your seventh cup of coffee and your hands are shaking. Small prices to pay for graduating Summa Cum Laude.  
  4. Go outside. You forgot what it was like to interact with society and need a reminder. Spring weather is starting and as soon as you feel the sun hit your face, you consider that life is worth living. That is of course until you decide to go on a walk to CVS and see your incompetent lab partner, yes, the one you had to beg to finish the lab report. You feel evil once again and remember why you don’t leave your house. 

Question 10) How do you dress for a 9 a.m. class?

  1. Straight out of bed, unwashed face, you slip into the closest thing resembling pajamas or sweatpants. The only thing lower than your energy levels is your will to look like a functioning human being before the double digits hit.
  2. Full glam. You woke up at five in the morning for this express purpose. Wearing your Lululemon Align leggings and a cute tank top (which you carefully chose from your folded pile the night before), you need to make sure that not a strand of your pin straight, painfully dyed hair looks like you aren’t ready for the Met gala. In fact, maybe you are. 
  3. Layers call your name. Long skirt, stockings, your new platform Doc Martens, with two shirts and a dress on top of eachother. You embody eclectic fashion taste and never forget your matcha and tote before you run out the door, late for your 9 a.m. class. 
  4. Cardigans forever. You are the epitome of light academia. Your clothing color palette consists of a lot of neutrals. Your ideal outfit has the aura of someone who spends a lot of time in the library with a cup of tea.


Answer Key