Juan Frye has done it again. The students of Drexel have been in complete despair since he abandoned them for Temple University. However, he has left them with one last parting gift: Drexel will become a White Lotus hotel. After all, what could be better than a university transforming into a questionably run luxury resort?
For those who are uncultured, The White Lotus is the pinnacle of opulence. There’s a location in Hawaii — ignore the incident — another in Italy, also ignore the incident, and one in Thailand — again, an incident, but the details remain classified. Now, Philadelphia will have its own White Lotus. Let’s just hope the biggest scandal here is an unpaid co-op.
Due to staffing shortages, students will receive one SORC leadership credit for working at the White Lotus. They can choose between roles in the spa (newly converted DAC), the restaurant (formerly Urban Eatery), or bar service (formerly the W.W. Hagerty Library). No prior experience is necessary, but an impressive LinkedIn post about how “this opportunity has helped shape your leadership skills” is required upon completion.
For those concerned about their education, fear not! The White Lotus @ Drexel will uphold the university’s rigorous academic standards by offering exclusive “immersive learning” courses. “Vibe-Based Decision Making” will teach students how to trust their instincts, even when they are objectively incorrect. “Weird Rich People Studies” will offer a sociological deep dive into behaviors such as wearing a cashmere sweater in 90-degree heat and asking if tap water is artisanal. “Advanced Passive-Aggressive Communication” will provide a deep dive into responding to absurd requests with a smile, though the prerequisite for this course is at least one year of customer service experience or a childhood spent in the suburbs. “Forensic Accounting: Where Did the Money Go?” will be a hands-on investigation into university tuition hikes. Finally, “Intro to Escape Tactics” will be a survival course designed to help students get out of networking events that go on way too long. More useful than Sports Business!
As for housing, Drexel’s dorms will be converted into ultra-luxurious suites, and students who wish to remain on campus must apply for a timeshare agreement. Tuition will now be bundled with resort fees, which will cover essential amenities like mandatory sunset-watching sessions on Lancaster Walk, where students can reflect on their life choices — particularly the decision to come here in the first place. There will also be a personal concierge service that will mysteriously vanish the moment students actually need help, tips encouraged. For those who crave a taste of the local culture, there will be exclusive tours throughout the city, featuring an educational trek through the finest parts of Philly. Students will even get to take the SEPTA system, where they’ll learn to dodge open-air drug deals and engage in life-threatening standoffs with malfunctioning turnstiles.
Drexel’s transformation into a White Lotus resort marks the dawn of a new era. Will it be an unforgettable experience or a complete disaster? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain: someone is about to spend way too much money on a lifestyle they don’t actually understand.