April 01, 2017 by Poor McPoorface
Real estate mogul and United States not my President Donald Trump reached an agreement April 1 with Hospitality3 to purchase The Study and transform it into a bigger hotel that will also feature a strip mall and club.
This came as a shock to the university community, as the hotel just announced its opening one month ago on March 1.
“Hospitality3 is first and foremost a real estate holding company. This has been a sweet gig, but it’s time to cash out on my investments,” owner and developer Paul McGoOn told Drexel President John Bae Fly last week, according to an anonymous source who claims to have bugged Fly’s office “for kicks.”
“Dude, respect,” Fly responded, and in the recording the listener can hear the faint tap of fists, bro-to-bro.
McGoOn didn’t elaborate what his next project would be, but was last seen being dragged to a South Philadelphia squash and strip club by his buddy ol’ pal Fly to “liquidate his assets..
The Study, will undergo renovations in late spring term to be more in-line with the Trump Hotels brand identity.
“It’s gonna be YUUUGE,” Trump said. “We’re going to smack a couple more floors on the top of this place. Bada-bing bada-boom. Make it look nice. For God’s sake. Isn’t it ugly? It’s ugly, right? We’ll clean it right up.”
While President Fly seemed a little hesitant to lean one way or the other on Trump Hotel’s arrival to campus, he did comment that he thought the building’s new aesthetic would pair nicely with Schuylkill Yards.
Trump lamented that the president of his alma mater, The University of Pennsylvania, has disowned him and vowed to use this hotel location to seek revenge and win out in a competition no one else is quite clear on the rules for.
“The University of Pennsylvania and its so-called President Amy Guttmann — a mean, mean lady — wrote me off. But it’s fine. I’m going to make Drexel even better with this hotel, believe me.”
“@AmyGuttmann We have the BEST Drexel. The best… Sad!” Trump later tweeted at his arch foe.
The renovated academic hall will feature much-needed gold plating on the interior and will replace the farm-to-table restaurant CO-OP with Trump Grill, serving the best taco bowls in Philadelphia. The best. He made sure to announce that Trump Grill will not be accepting Monopoly money Dining Dollars.
“Drexel students actually thought their dining dollars were worth something? SAD!” Trump later tweeted in response to the outrage caused by the decision. He started to sound a little down in the Trumps from all the sad things he’s had to tweet about.
During the press conference, Trump revealed that he would also be joining Drexel as an adjunct professor and teach a new class called Real-World Business Techniques (SCAM 103), which will include topics like moving debt around to avoid paying taxes, declaring bankruptcy to avoid debts, and running casinos into the ground just for fun.
While the majority of Trump’s academic plans for the university are focused in the Lebow College of Business, he’s also made some calls and expressed interest in funding a College of Computing and Informatics project to recover Hillary’s deleted emails. Republicans are hoping his presence at Drexel will lure the university’s liberal trash heap students over to the right wing. Trump has already met some of his most ardent supporters on campus — including that crazy old guy who preaches on the corner of 33rd and Market sometimes.
Trump explained the decision, nodding excessively, “I can do more for this University. We can be better. THE BEST. Don’t worry. I’m really, really excessively rich. I’ve got this. I’ve got this!”
The new professor is expected to be on campus 0.4 times a week.