April 01, 2017 by Fran Frisky
Drexel’s last tenured professor, Yuol Shit of the engineering department, announced he would be retiring early yesterday. After a buttload of pressure from the university (new severance package offers were being discretely jammed under his office door every morning) Shit agreed to “just get the goddamn thing over with already”.
Administrative officials have been slowly “taking care of” tenured professors since admissions and enrollment rates have been declining substantially every year. A band of high-up officials in suits has been riding around campus on a facilities Gator once a day with giant butterfly nets since early September hunting for those with tenure.
“We had a really good day last fall when we caught the whole Faculty Senate outside on the green having a meetup,” Dingleberry McPhee, driver of the admin band wagon, recalled, slapping his knee. “That’s what they called it, ‘a meetup.’ Do you believe that? I always call it a coup because I think you really can’t trust anyone who’s been here too long. Anyways, we slapped some nets over them and dragged ‘em off.”
The Faculty Senate has since been replaced with a band of 14-year-old teaching assistants and is now led by a 19-year-old adjunct professor.
After administrators catch tenured professors, McPhee said they ship them off to the basement of the Main Building. In the bowels of Main, they’re treated to an improvised version of Chinese water torture where they’re boarded up and coins, instead of water droplets, are continuously dropped on their foreheads by two co-op students — Stinky and Moe — who DrexelNow just ran a feature on.
“Some of them start to scream about needing to feed their families or whatever,” McPhee said, reflecting on the process. “That’s when we throw the all-you-can-eat at the Hands family plan into the package. Calms them right down.”
McPhee clarified that this whole process is “just to save the whole university some much needed dough” because “times are tough” and “high tuition doesn’t pay for what it used to”. He then tried to tempt the Rectangle reporter he was talking to into taking an adjunct position at the University to replace Shit, stating that “you really don’t need any qualifications at all” and that “90 percent of the job is just weeding out freshmen … anyone can do it.”