April 01, 2017 by Y Tho
A line of affluent middle-aged white people in expensive suits put on hard hats for no discernable reason and moved small piles of dirt three inches from where they originally were as part of the Poorman groundbreaking ceremony March 20.
The Poorman Building and Poorman Quadrangle’s renovation was put in motion when the Poorman family “gifted” Drexel University a veritable ass-ton of money, which prompted Drexel to match it with a second, equivalent ass-ton of its own cash.
The pair of ass-ton dollar amounts will be put towards partially knocking down one of the shittiest piles of old bricks on campus and replacing it with a shitty pile of newer bricks. The student body is thrilled at this development, as it will allow students a significantly more stylish place to have mental breakdowns about Calculus III: Return of the Quotient.
Some massive building conglomerate masquerading as an environmentally conscious flower child will be responsible for growing grass in front of the new building. However, because the minimum-wage workers are going to grow it or cut it in some quasi-special way, like an elliptical shape or something you care even less about, it’s called “green space” and we’re all supposed to be losing our shit over it.
Construction is slated to be complete in one year, with a margin of error of 19 years.
The designers have yet to mention whether or not they’re going to dedicate one wall to growing plants horizontally that die and have to be replaced every three months.