Bernie Sanders’ track record on spreading revolutionary ideas is second-to-none in the Democratic Primary. While we were quite pleased with reforms of noted socialist Barack Obama, including the establishment of free iPhone dispensaries, taxing the wealthy at 90%, banning Christianity in favor of Islam and making gay marriage not only legal but mandatory, we feel his tactics have not gone far enough. Hillary Clinton has proposed re-establishing private investment banking, after Obama had the bankers imprisoned indefinitely in solitary confinement. She has proposed re-privatizing health care, and a reduction in the chocolate ration! This only serves to prove what kind of revisionist, counter-revolutionary swine she really is.

Bernie’s policies are unique and impressive: Bernie Sanders is the only candidate who has proposed to guillotine the bankers responsible for the financial meltdown of 2008. Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to propose a five-year plan to nationalize heavy industry, and laid out a centralized economic plan which will work for the good of all Americans. Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to reject Christianity in all its forms, and purpose the worship of our great lord Satan. Bernie Sanders is the only candidate who has proposed the public execution of Enemy of the State Number One, Donald Trump. Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to propose distributing free knowledge pills for all citizens, allowing them to have the benefits of a college education without the time and effort. Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to promise free healthcare, to develop the cure to cancer, and to use the full power of the CIA, NSA, and armed forces to discover and seize the Fountain of Youth by 2018 (a must-have if he wishes to serve a full eight years).

A proven track record of solid communist policies and the tenacity to seek swift and terrible vengeance against the Republican party? Who else could we choose?

We encourage readers to vote for Bernie on April 26. Per the orders of Tom Wolfe, Chairman of the People’s Commissar for the Socialist State of Pennsylvania, voting is compulsory – those who do not vote shall not eat. Be sure to pick up your “I Voted” sticker, since your May ration card will not be accepted without it.

Hail Satan.