Aries (March 21 – April 19) — Your reckless nature will come back to haunt you as you contract an upset tummy from that floor muffin you ate the other day.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) — Buy some bongos and prepare to busk because Drexel just cancelled your jazz dance scholarship.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) — You know that feeling you get when you lock eyes with someone and feel an instant connection? Yeah, you’ll have that with an apple fritter today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) — Today’s the day you accidentally run into that special someone from Tinder that you drunkenly harassed. Remember, eye contact is the enemy.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) — Expect big things as you finally drop your long-awaited, overly hyped album on Tidal.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) — If the weather is favorable, go for a nice long run. Get some fresh air. You might not make it through the week. Hey, don’t look at me, I’m just the messenger. Take it up with the stars, man.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) — Don’t take in that stray dog you find on the street today. You’d be interrupting it right in the middle of its ‘Homeward Bound: Incredible Journey’ expedition.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) —Your favorite toast, “Cheers to the freakin’ weekend!” will finally catch on. About damn time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) — Things can only improve after you were left for dead in the middle of that forest a few months back.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) — Your Amazon Prime account comes in handy as your mail-order bride arrives just in-time for formal!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) — I know that you might disagree, but that mole on your left shoulder really needs to get checked out.
Pisces (Feb. 18 – March 20) — Gonna be straight with you: not going to be a great day.