By Jeff Lebowski — The Dude Another year, another shaft. For the second consecutive season, the 2011-12 Drexel men’s basketball team was left out of March Madness. As the 2013 NCAA Tournament field was revealed March 17 on CBS, the team gathered in the newly renovated locker rooms in the DAC for what was expected [...]
Dragon mascot escapes and kills
By Alan Grant — Survivor A colossal genetic experiment turned into devastation March 27 when a very real dragon, created by Drexel scientists to give the University a flesh-and-blood mascot, escaped from the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building and tormented students, killing 12 people before eventually flying away toward Camden, N.J. In the days following the [...]
Troll! In the Race St. Hall dungeon
By: Raven Lemonhead Since the flood of Race Street Hall Feb. 23, in-depth investigations have taken place to determine the cause of the sprinkler activation on the sixth floor of the residence hall. Initial reports from Drexel Public Safety stated that there was a fire in the basement, but recent evidence has confirmed that a [...]
J.J. Abrams hopes he doesn’t fuck up Star Wars
By: Darth Helmet It was a beautiful day in Hollywood as director J.J. Abrams sat at his desk, coming up with creative ways to incorporate more lens flare into his movies. “I just really love the fact that it feels like you’re staring at the sun without any regard for your eyes,” the bespectacled [...]
SEPTA superiors smolder for sufficient simoleons
By: Washington Irving Philadelphia was shocked March 20 when a procession of robed Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority officials marched to City Hall and set themselves ablaze in protest of the limited funding received by the agency. The procession, in which they chanted in ancient Aramaic and wore red-and-blue-striped robes bearing the SEPTA logo on the [...]
Editorial: President Frizzle is a total hottie
President Jay Frizzle won the title of Sexiest Collegiate President Alive … IN OUR HEARTS. While hooked up to the Inception Pasiv Dream Machine, The Editorial Board watched Frizzle accept the award as he floated to the podium over white pillowy clouds. He was dressed in his usual dapper suit with mad bitches swooning at [...]
‘Shaft’ signal will replace text alerts
By: I. Urinated As part of Drexel President Jay Frizzle’s 500-year master plan, Drexel Public Safety will implement some new emergency notification procedures for the upcoming months. These changes include an upgrade to the Drexel Alert system that will simultaneously warn all Drexel faculty, staff and students of dangers present around campus with the flick [...]
Heat win streak ends with 98-46 loss… to Drexel?!
By Allan Sherman — Dragons Beat Writer Philadelphia — Sometimes, they say, even a blind man can end a winning streak. Or something like that. The Drexel men’s basketball team had its fair share of brutal moments this year but was more than excited to have its season stretched for one more game when the [...]
Philly zoo will house students
By: Nala Lionheart President Jay Frizzle announced March 15 that Drexel University purchased the Philadelphia Zoo for $6 million. Similar to Drexel’s affiliation with The Academy of Natural Sciences, the zoo will be renamed the Philadelphia Zoo of Drexel University and will be used for academic purposes and additional student housing starting in the fall. [...]
Chris Brown starts a fight club, tries to be as badass as Brad Pitt
By: Robert Paulson Rapper Chris Brown was arrested this past week in connection with a not-so-secret fight club ring. The ring was spread across the south side of Los Angeles and involved several notable celebrity names. As he was being unceremoniously shoved into the police car, a TMZ reporter asked Brown why he decided to [...]
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