April 01, 2017 by Betsy "Sickle Cell" Jenkinspuff
BigBounce’s biggest problem is that it got too big too fast, said Snooty Cahoots, former co-op and chairman of Bempis International and current Rectangle staff proctologist.
Cahoots, also a senior Badidea entrepreneurship student, stood at the foot of Mario, the university dragon mascot, watching students hurl themselves onto a large trampoline he’d stretched between Mario’s wings to bounce over the Poorman Quadrangle construction.
“I kept my business model simple,” Cahoots explained, inhaling a large wad of cash.
“I bounce ’em big. It’s a big bounce, and it really pops them up there,” he elaborated, licking his fingers clean of bourgeois residue from that sweet, sweet money.
“They fork over ten bucks and I let them use this trampoline to get over Poorman. Going around the construction is just a mess. No one wants to deal with it. I’m making a shitton. Everyone on campus has tried it,” he continued, shoving the wad down his skinny jeans “so no one would get any bright ideas.”
Cahoots energetically exclaimed that he’s working on an app for BigBounce, too.
“It won’t actually do anything, but it’s important to have,” he explained. “Badidea students like me just like to say we’ve made apps even if they’re effectively pointless. Having an app helps build your portfolio.”
He clarified that there’s no such thing as bad press and exposure pays big dividends, so even if no one installs the app, it will still advertise BigBounce for free just by being in the app store.
“Sometimes we call ourselves the crap app kids,” he joked. “Like a small band of brothers … and sisters … but mostly brothers. There’s actually only one sister. Well, she graduated last year, but there has been a sister. I guess you had to be there.”
At this point in the interview a flock of angry Christians stormed the area with picket signs urging students and faculty in line to take long hard looks at their piggish lifestyles or risk a postmortem trip up Satan’s colon.
“You’re a WHORE,” one angry dude said through the megaphone, categorizing the Rectangle reporter on this story with remarkable accuracy. She immediately ran home after realizing her harlotous ways and began to repent her sins. Forty-seven minutes later, she returned to complete the interview in an outfit inspired by Michelle Duggar.
Perhaps due to his time spent in amateur proctology, Cahoots did not seem bothered by the prospect of a trip up Satan’s colon or, quite frankly, by any of his sins. In fact, he more or less seemed to revel in them. He continued talking about BigBounce, bragging that only 456 students have been injured so far. “You know, there’s no such thing as bad press,” he noted again.
“Chad Fratman actually misfired into a tree in the quad a few weeks ago. An American Yellowwood. This kid was so big he took the tree clean out. Saved the people renovating the quad all the time and money it would have taken to chop down that tall, sturdy beacon of wood,” Cahoots said.
“You know, I’ve also knocked over a tall, sturdy beacon of wood or two in my time,” Cahoots added, unprompted.
Twenty-fifth in line was none other than Dick Pound Sr. of Drexel University’s Department of Asinine Inconveniences. He was impressed by Cahoots’ innovation and said he was trying it out to see how he could outwit Cahoots, who he called a ‘mastermind”, gesturing to the successful student struggling to fit a fifth wad of cash under his generic grey blazer.
“It’s all in good fun. We love to play with our students,” he chuckled. “We’re always thinking things like ‘how can we really inconvenience them? What can we do to make their day a little harder? Can we build anything else in their way?’ Maybe we could start construction on the trampoline next.”
“We just walled off the whole quad for kicks. Gives them something to complain about and makes us look like we’re working hard,” he continued. “Nobody’s been in there in weeks. Except me and the boys. Sometimes we go in there to taunt everyone.”
Although Cahoots hopes to capitalize on Poorman’s construction for as long as possible, he did say that he’s excited to get started on his next big idea, DragonHole, a sidewalk tube system that will protect Drexel students from deadly wind-tunnels as they walk to class for only $15 per trip.
To submit business venture suggestions to Snooty Cahoots, shoot him an email at [email protected]