April 01, 2016 by Snooty Cahoots
According to a study published by Yukon State University March 25, an increasing number of young adults across America are starting to participate in trampling, a raunchy activity wherein two or more individuals derive joy from trampling on someone’s back in heels or being trampled upon, respectively— whether at parties, clubs, the office or in the privacy of their own homes. The Rectangle’s interest in said subject derives from a high amount of classifieds placed in our fine paper for tramplers within the last few months.
According to a similar study published by the New Mexico Institute of Recreation June 1, 2015, 69 percent of all interviewed youth have trampled within the last month. Rectangle reporters took to the streets to find out why this fad seems to be taking off so drastically with youth.
“I just really like trampling,” business student Heath Hazard said.
“At home, in a classroom, anywhere. It helps me wind down and relax with all the hectic things required of today’s students,” he continued.
Not all trampling is completely vanilla. “Add some whipped cream into the mix and the party really gets going, especially if you have the spray can delivered right to your door,” Hazard finished. This also appears to be sourced from The Rectangle’s other popular classified ad that pitches a “whipped cream delivery service” to callers.
The nation’s new favorite pastime is not limited to just young adults. Some teenagers and seniors are getting in on it too.
“I trampled your mom last night,” proclaimed Benny Fendleton, West Philadelphia middle school and professional Call of Duty.
“Your mom must have been really busy last night because I trampled her too,” his friend Larissa MacDowell directed to the reporter, who was visibly shaken. It seems that the reporter’s mother gets around more than previously thought.
“I was there when we invented trampling, back in 1969,” local crotchety old man and state senator Tom Wilson said via phone interview.
Trampling as a trend in recreation originated in West Virginia in the late 1800s, but due to the secluded nature of the “holler” and frequent inbreeding of its participants, was not known about outside of the region until the early sixties. Since making its way out of the rural mountain areas, it has since spread in a manner (not entirely unlike ‘that rash you don’t like talking about’) to most of the country, including Hawaii, Alaska and non-state territories. Shockingly, as of March 31, not a single trampling-related injury has been reported; however, the number of injuries sustained from falling onto door knobs in interesting places has apparently skyrocketed.
“There’s nothing like a good trample,” local bum Steve Wheeler said.
“[It] really gets the blood pumping, it’s good cardio. You know cardio is important; these young kids… they don’t appreciate the cardio God gave them. Back in my day we had to cardio uphill and downhill and every which direction. You come to appreciate these kinds of things after fighting like I did in the war of Uphill Both Ways,” he rambled before wandering away.
Trampling has evolved from a rural oddity into a fully fledged national subculture in recent years. The Rectangle has had to limit the publication of classifieds in response to a heavily increased load of requests to advertise for trampling sessions.
According to these trends, it is predicted that the percentage of actively trampling adults in America will reach 420 percent before the close 2016 and just keep right on going. Keep your eye on this trend; it’s gonna be as big as your mom.