Students found not guilty of hazing

The Drexel Judicial Committee investigated several reports of hazing this week within Drexel’s chapter of the National Kanye West Appreciation Club. The committee’s official conclusion was that the hazing was brought on by one of the organization’s former candidates. However, the committee determined that there was in fact no hazing, outlined in their unofficial report.

After an initial round of winter interviews, prospective club members gathered for a day of bonding and assigning mentors to pledglings. The recruitment chair of the club, Max Sanchez, went over the ground rules for the event and subsequently asked if there were any questions. One student allegedly asked when the prospective members were going to be hazed. Sanchez swore under oath that he immediately gave a firm and confident response informing all students, young and old, that “dragons don’t haze”.

“I was pretty disappointed when I heard that. I mean what’s even the point to joining a student organization if you don’t get hazed? Like seriously, what’s the point?” new member Eric Funk complained.

“Two prospective members actually got up and left when he told us that we weren’t getting hazed. It really took a lot of the good energy out of the room,” Funk continued.

As the day moved on, many prospective members’ motivation started to wane, but they were reassured that there would be group bonding at the end of the day. “We all kind of assumed that they meant hazing, but they kept reassuring us ‘It’s not going to be hazing. It’s against Drexel’s policy for student organizations to participate in hazing’ but none of us wanted to believe it,” Sue Spolin, another new member of the club, recalled.

“By like 5 p.m. I just couldn’t take any more ice breakers. Most of us just wanted them to paddle us a bit or force us to drink everclear out of each others’ belly buttons. The lack of hazing throughout the day really left a bad taste in my mouth,” she pouted.

Eventually, Sanchez brought the prospective members to a dark basement in an upperclassmen off-campus apartment for the night’s group bonding activities. There were alcoholic beverages available, but only for students who claimed to be over the age of 21. After about an hour, Sanchez brought out cocaine and suggested the prospective members do lines off each other’s bare left inner thighs. All except for one prospective member admitted to participating. However, the members were thoroughly assured beforehand that refusal to snort cocaine off their friends’ naked bodies would in no way affect their chances of getting voted in.

According to a testimony given by candidates at the judicial committee hearing, at no point were they even pressured to do cocaine, and it was only gently suggested that if they didn’t, and this is a direct quote from the report: “everyone might think that they were pussies.”

“It was most certainly group bonding. They were very clear about that from the onset of the event,” judicial committee member Maria Jaffe said in an interview with The Rectangle as she did a line of coke off her desk. “Honestly I’m proud of our student leaders for being so insistent on not hazing despite pressure from younger students.”

Noting that it would be silly to punish the entire organization due to one student misinterpreting the actions of the group and that it was a group bonding, which excludes the actions from the university’s hazing policy, the judicial committee resolved to not punish the club.

When asked about whether or not members of club would be punished for the use of drugs, Jaffe responded. “We basically only kick people out of Drexel if we catch them smoking marijuana. The NKWAC (National Kayne West Appreciation Club) has assured us that they will be handling the situation internally so we feel no further need to interfere with the issue,” he explained.

According to the last press release from Drexel, the judicial committee has moved on to the more serious allegations of the group allegedly starting Kanye West’s GoFundMe page.