April 01, 2017 by Rodd Shaftman
It’s certainly a dark time we live in now. I know things are looking bleak – well-respected media outlets are saying things like “President Trump,” and “the president, Donald, Trump.” Many people surveyed even think that Trump is already the president of the United States. But don’t worry, fellow socially conscious nineteen-year-olds – all hope is not lost.
Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, known fondly as the only old white dude to care about people other than other old white dudes, still has a chance to clinch the presidency. It’s not a big chance, and it’s not a sure thing, but we can make it happen.
Here’s how it works. You and I, the citizens of America (citizens of the world, really) cast our votes for Our Lord and Savior Bernard Sanders. Other people vote for Hillary Clinton, or Donald Trump, or whoever the third party candidates were. (Seriously, does anybody remember their names anymore?) This part actually happened already. After that, the electors take all the votes from the citizens, and use them to decide who to vote for – if most of the votes in their regions say Donald Trump, that’s who the electors vote for. This part happened already too. But there’s a tricky little loophole that everyone except well-studied sociology students forgot about – it’s called the do-over rule.
The do-over rule comes into play when a bunch of people make a decision you don’t agree with, so you make everybody do it over again. It’s not actually written down anywhere, like in the Constitution or anything, but it’s definitely a thing.
For instance, in this election, too many people voted for an orange guy with yellow hair and weirdly small hands. And not only that, he sucks at everything. So that was definitely a bad call. Under do-over law, we can totally vote again. And we’re not going to make the same mistake this time, because Bernie Sanders will be the Democratic nominee. How will we manage that, you ask? Another obscure law that you common folk wouldn’t know. It’s called the “because-we-said-so” clause.
I know it seems like a stretch. But think about every movie you’ve ever seen – what makes the protagonist great? It’s because they overcome remarkable odds. Rocky. Rudy. The guy in 127 Hours who saws his own arm off. We can be those people – we can beat the odds, even if that’s a literally impossible thing to do.
So what are you waiting for?
Put on your most obnoxious social justice warrior t-shirt and go nag people for signatures. If Bernie Sanders can make it this far with an average campaign donation of $27, we can get him into the White House with nothing more than unrelenting denial and delusional naivete.