April 01, 2017 by Jeff Weeaboo
Like most of you reading this, I go to Drexel. And you know what that means — papers, stress, hallucinations derived from sleep deprivation and caffeine-induced heart attacks. I have three papers that are due on a Monday and I still have to study for finals! Man, that’s a lot of work. How can I possibly get it all done?
I’ll tell you how — I’m just giving up. It’s not like I’m actually going to end up doing anything with my life anyways. Hell, yesterday I spent five hours playing video games when I was supposed to be working and didn’t accomplish anything! Nothing at all! Even though I made a to-do list.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t quit. You have your entire future ahead of you!” Yeah right, my parents are already secretly disappointed in me enough. Sure, they act like they’re happy to talk to me and send dog pictures and links to funny articles, but deep down it’s because they passive-aggressively hate me. I’m sure of it.
So, why even bother moving anymore? I’m just going to slip on a headset and scream into it at all hours of the night. Who needs reality when all the boys are waiting for you to log-in online? I might as well take out my weeks of pent up, poorly handled aggression on someone who won’t actually get hurt.
Plus, I already have one C from a quiz that happened Week 1, so I can kiss any co-ops goodbye. What’s the point? I’m gonna roll up a joint, jump into a blanket burrito and stave away those thoughts about how much of a goddamned worthless failure I am. Why actually go into spirals of self-loathing about real life when I can yell at my teammates for making mistakes that were totally my fault (even though I won’t admit it because it’s never my fault)?
I’ve got a hamper of dirty laundry that I keep saying I’ll get to and a roommate who hates me because I’m always in our dorm room gaming and depriving him of “any alone time” with “his girl.” Man, I can’t even remember the last time I got laid. Seems like no one likes the pale bod of a man sculpted by hours of electronic combat or bow skills these days. They’re all whores who just pretend to be nice but then turn around and accept a date from Chad, that asshole.
Hey, here’s a bright side in this whole mess of life for you — I think I could maybe play video games competitively. If I stopped sucking at it for like five minutes, of course. And what stops people from sucking? Practice. I’m ready to sit in front of that PS4 and go hard until the term is over.
It’ll be nice to let go of my own too high expectations for a bit and just imagine that I’m getting better at something and that someone actually gives a shit about me. Hell, maybe I’ll just become a YouTuber who’s ironically racist, that seems to always draw in big money.