Olds

Facing severe financial troubles, Drexel University has announced that the University of Pennsylvania will be absorbing Drexel. As Drexel explaineds in a press release, this move will allow Drexel to pay off $700 million of debt accrued from paying university executives with UPenn’s endowment.

Navigating a new school can be a challenge for many new students, but few will face an interior layout as complex as the one braved by Drexel students with classes in the historic Main Building. Aptly named for its many purposes as a joint space for classes, the performing arts, administrative office spaces, and more, […]

In a move that has left students scratching their heads and commuters bewildered, Drexel University has announced its acquisition of the iconic William H. Gray III 30th Street Station for a staggering $500 million. University officials unveiled their grand plan to transform the bustling transportation hub into the ultimate student center, complete with gourmet dining […]

Amidst student complaints of deadly smells emanating from 3675 Market Street, Drexel University’s home for the College of Computing and Informatics, CCI Dean announces new policies in a hope to crack down on rampant hygiene issues. Stewie Bryant, Director of Drexel’s Bachelor’s CS Program, reflected that “even after eighty years of teaching computer science at […]

In a (not so shocking) turn of events, Drexel University President John Frye has signed a contract with the United States Construction corporation to turn the University City campus of Drexel into a themed amusement park, supposedly the largest and most theatrical amusement park in the Northeast United States. 

Drexel University’s Pi Kappa Alpha hosted a celebration for International Women’s Day on March 8. The fraternity, who lost their house for two years this past September, was granted a one- time exception by President John Frye to host the celebration at the vacant facility. The fraternity, also referred to as Pike, publicized the event […]

Last Friday, the American Public Transportation Association ranked SEPTA as the cleanest transit system in North America — a title I had to confirm as a veteran rider. I walked down the soon-to-be “Drexel Station” at 30th Street and braced myself for an experience I’d undergone many times: one faceted by the SEPTA smells of […]

Earlier on in the term, Drexel University experienced a mid-week snow day. School was cancelled for Wednesday, with the notification going out Tuesday night when no snow was even on the ground. Come Wednesday afternoon, Drexel was one large blanket of snow. If you had taken any ganders outside during the day, you would’ve seen […]

After a long, grueling campaign to stave off financial ruin, The University of Pennsylvania’s historied newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian has run out of money. The newspaper desperately grasped for life after almost running going broke a few months ago. They ended up raising over $19,000 in a few weeks, mostly because everyone just wanted to […]

News rolled in earlier this week when President Daddy Fryz decided to take to an impromptu podium assembled in front of the Dragon statue where all the construction is. Over the sound of a cacophony of jackhammers and grown men ogling barely legal students, our fearless king, lord and savior did make a decree. In […]

President Daddy Fryz was escorted out of Main Building in handcuffs the morning of April 1 after an extensive assisination plot was uncovered, police say. The conspiracy unraveled last Thursday when a Drexel University Facilities worker was repairing a broken drawer in the President’s office. When the worker removed the drawer, he noticed a hand-written […]

Students of the College of Arts and Sciences — especially the biology and chemistry kids, since they are the ones who spend the most time in the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building — were shocked when they got an email from the dean of CoAS announcing that the Biowall is going to be replaced with plastic […]

Drexel University is well-regarded for its rigorous, fast-paced academics, its extensive community involvement and service, and its worldwide cooperative education program. But Drexel recently placed extremely high on a brand new U.S. News Colleges Ranking — for Biggest College Campus Construction Projects. Drexel’s landed in first place on the list for the numerous, never-ending, costly […]

Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the street […]

Piper Upper, assistant vice director of the office of unnecessary construction, made all campus traffic lights blue and yellow April 1 in a last ditch effort to increase school spirit. Following poor attendance at every sporting event, campus bonding activity and university pride orgies, every traffic light on campus now hypnotically flashes Drexel colors, thanks […]

After facing five years of double secret probation for failing to comply with Drexel University’s alcohol policy, respected fraternity Tau Epsilon Epsilon Kappa has bought the university and overturned the punishment. The fraternity reports that this transaction was funded by alumni donations. “I think it really is a testament to the importance of self-reliance. When […]

  Senior vice president of enrollment management and wallet extraction, Handy Freake, announced another record-breaking number of incoming students. Nearly 6,000 freshman are slated to come to Drexel University in the fall of 2018, a 69% increase from last year. President Jawn A. Fries and dean of admissions, Eve Thimble, were seen skipping down the […]

If you’re reading this right now then you must be one of The Triangle’s countless adoring fans. Sometimes it feels that The Triangle may even be getting a bit too big for their britches, and it may soon be catching up with them. An inexperienced, heartless hack of a writer who goes by the name […]

Ricky Maher-Money-Maher-Problems, a teaching assistant at Drexel, made national news this week by tweeting to thousands of followers: “All I Want for Spring Break is Freshman Genocide.” “Nah, bro. I totally didn’t mean it like that,” Maher-Money-Maher-Problems told a Rectangle reporter, shaking his head. “Does anyone understand what the term ‘freshman genocide’ means? Of course […]

BigBounce’s biggest problem is that it got too big too fast, said Snooty Cahoots, former co-op and chairman of Bempis International and current Rectangle staff proctologist. Cahoots, also a senior Badidea entrepreneurship student, stood at the foot of Mario, the university dragon mascot, watching students hurl themselves onto a large trampoline he’d stretched between Mario’s […]

Real estate mogul and United States not my President Donald Trump reached an agreement April 1 with Hospitality3 to purchase The Study and transform it into a bigger hotel that will also feature a strip mall and club. This came as a shock to the university community, as the hotel just announced its opening one […]

“She had so much life left to live,” Toot Toot McPhee stuttered through tissues. “I mean, she was an art history major, so she was going to starve to death anyway, but … it was just too soon,” she cried, inconsolable at the death of her “bestie for life,” Marsha Brady. It has now been […]

A line of affluent middle-aged white people in expensive suits put on hard hats for no discernable reason and moved small piles of dirt three inches from where they originally were as part of the Poorman groundbreaking ceremony March 20. The Poorman Building and Poorman Quadrangle’s renovation was put in motion when the Poorman family […]

Drexel’s last tenured professor, Yuol Shit of the engineering department, announced he would be retiring early yesterday. After a buttload of pressure from the university (new severance package offers were being discretely jammed under his office door every morning) Shit agreed to “just get the goddamn thing over with already”. Administrative officials have been slowly […]

In an attempt to increase competitiveness and support expanding demands for capital, Drexel’s administration has begun using a new app that targets areas for the University to levy fees, termed “impositions,” on the student body. Planned to be enacted in the 2016-2017 academic year, proposed tariffs include a cover charge for the Handschumacher Dining Center, […]

The Drexel Judicial Committee investigated several reports of hazing this week within Drexel’s chapter of the National Kanye West Appreciation Club. The committee’s official conclusion was that the hazing was brought on by one of the organization’s former candidates. However, the committee determined that there was in fact no hazing, outlined in their unofficial report. […]

According to a study published by Yukon State University March 25, an increasing number of young adults across America are starting to participate in trampling, a raunchy activity wherein two or more individuals derive joy from trampling on someone’s back in heels or being trampled upon, respectively— whether at parties, clubs, the office or in […]

To encourage students to maintain a high grade point average and to push the barriers of their academic development, the Honors Lounge has always provided several fine amenities, including free printing, tutoring sessions and occasionally, coffee and donuts. However, to compete with the growing diversity of amenities offered at schools around the country, the Panini […]

As of April 1, 2016, more than one hundred Drexel University students have been hospitalized with an ailment that is believed to be connected with reintegration to the quarter system after experiencing six months of the cooperative education (co-op) program. The illness was initially suspected to be the norovirus, which has recently swept nearby campuses […]

In a burst of unprecedented action, Shodickso Ltd. recently cancelled its contract with Drexel Dining, ending the era of the Handschumacher Dining Hall. The Hans announced via a poorly organized MySpace page that the dining hall would serve its last meal to students on April 1, 2016. “Regrettably, the infamous [sic.] Handschumacher will be closing […]

President Frizzle Fries has been in the University City spotlight in recent weeks after a UPS delivery mistake outed him as the Office of Student Life’s surprise participant in the Drexel Drag Show later this April. Fries is known for pushing the boundaries of campus engagement and rallying behind everything that seems to be popular with […]

In an unprecedented move to further its control on housing for students, Drexel University announced March 13 via email that construction had begun to turn Drexel Park into a cemetery, where alumni will be interred to fulfill the new after-death on-campus housing requirement. The announcement, appended to a course evaluation reminder, at first went largely […]

Drexel University President Juan Fry announced in January he was going to participate in the Philadelphia Naked Bike Ride in order to raise money for a nonprofit organization that teaches underprivileged kids to play squash, called Squashing Institutional Poverty. PNBR, an annual event that has gone for about six years in the City of Brotherly […]

As a result of the lack of vegan options at the Handschumacher Dining Center, some Drexel University students have begun to harvest the bountiful produce of the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building’s biowall. Instead of eating at the Hans, dozens of vegetable-hungry students brought forks and knives to PISB to feast on the biowall’s 80-foot span […]

The James E. Marks Intercultural Center, largely known as the central hub of religious worship at Drexel University, met its demise this year at the hands of Drexel University’s officials. They convened at the top of the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building each dressed as a different Greek god, cackling around an artificial lightning-bolt machine called […]

Drexel University has launched a new giving campaign directed at prospective students under the name “#myfuture.” The #myfuture campaign encourages prospective students to make donations in addition to their $50 application fee to “ensure their future at Drexel University.” The campaign has been touted by DrexelNow as a revolutionary new way to raise funds for […]

Drexel University’s Department of Public Safety held a tournament to select two of the University’s most infamous Drexel Alerts in 2014 to compete in the most brutal cage wrestling match. After possibly one of the bloodiest events in television history, the final match up comes between Alert contenders “Silver Toga” and “Brass Knuckles.” The event, […]

In what can only be described as a shocking turn of events, junior electrical engineering student Frank Peterson decided to engage his classmates in conversation for the first time in over three years. Peterson, almost always studying for his next thermo exam, engaged those in the immediate vicinity of his desk for over five minutes […]

In a move designed to decrease students’ post-graduation debt burdens and to increase Drexel’s affordability, the University has decided to lower tuition significantly for the 2015-16 academic year. This action, unprecedented in the modern academic world, comes as a result of the University becoming more acutely aware of the problems faced by recent graduates and […]

Drexel’s Office of Campus Activities announced March 31 that the Good Idea Fund, a sponsor of on-campus events and programming proposed by individual members of the Drexel community since 2010, will be renamed the Bad Idea Fund and repurposed to waste unused funds awarded to student organizations by the Student Activity Fee Allocation Committee. “The […]

A surge of missing person reports has recently been linked to the startlingly long Starbucks line in the lobby of the Gerri C. LeBow Hall. Drexel students have been disappearing into the coffee shop en masse, never to be seen again. Starbucks has attempted to distance itself from this scandal, saying that students vanished before […]

In a report in the Daily Pennsylvanian, it was revealed that Drexel University’s independent student newspaper has been fabricating its news stories for the past 89 years. The story, titled “Our Poor Neighbor Newspaper Is Worse Than We Thought,” ran in the March 10 issue of the paper and gave rise to social media chatter […]

Edward Snowden confirmed exclusively to The Rectangle this week that he was responsible for leaking the file of student information via the Steinbright Career Development Center last winter term. He claims this was a desperate plea to draw attention to what he sees as Drexel’s institutionalized mistreatment of students. “I have seen some shit in […]

Squash farmers from around the United States have gathered at the Daskalakis Athletic Center to compete in the U.S. Squash Open. A proud tradition at Drexel, the hosting of the U.S. Open has been a particular favorite of Drexel President Curly Fries. “It’s truly an honor to be able to bring together so many people […]

President Curly Fries awarded honorary undergraduate degrees March 31 to two Keating Co. employees who worked on the construction of Gerri C. LeBow Hall. They did not take any classes or complete any credits at the University. The decision to award degrees was well considered, not spur of the moment, according to Fries. Fries’ decision […]

Skippy the Dog is a beloved dog who resides in a fraternity house at Drexel. A resident Rectangle reporter met with Skippy and was able to translate his answers. Rectangle Rants: What’s your story? What brought you to Drexel? Skippy the Dog: I used to live behind a giant glass wall with other animals. People […]

The following are crimes that occurred on or near campus and were reported to The Rectangle by the Drexel University Department of Public Safety between March 25, 20134 and April 1, 2014. All information included in this report is taken from law enforcement or DPS incident reports. Assault 1 March 24, 2:19 p.m. 3500 Block […]