The fashion industry is a dark and mysterious world. Truth be told, there are too many blogs, designers and trends for a single person to comprehend. It is notorious for being the only industry where one day something is in and the next day it is out, making it impossible for the average brain to follow. Hell, even people in fashion don’t understand fashion. (Why else were Birkenstocks ever a fad?) In other words, don’t bother studying or attempting to understand the fashion industry. Here are eight foolproof tips that will help you fake your way to the top of the fashion world. How else do you think we got here?
1. Become a popular fashion blogger.
Make sure you don’t work hard or actually spend time to cultivate an Internet audience. Just post approximately 50 pictures of you in a “cute” outfit, preferably pigeon-toed and smiling as you stare at the ground. Don’t forget to post it on Instagram and use the proper hashtags: #fashion, #selfie #ootd #instafashion. Repeat.
2. Now that you have your blog, validate your virtual existence through #FashionSwag.
Any blogger that matters gets gifted promotional items from fashion and beauty companies. Get a jumpstart in the blogging world by buying your own. Make sure to show off by posting on Instagram immediately and tagging the company to thank them for your new goodies. You know, it’s like how we secretly send ourselves flowers on Valentine’s Day. No harm, no foul.
3. More is really more in fashion.
This is especially applicable in the case of accessories. Fuel your #ArmParty by stacking your entire bracelet collection on one arm. Make sure your bracelets reach all the way up to your armpit. It’s a plus if they are neon and sparkly. Also, never forget your oversized Michael Kors Runway watch.
4. Wear the same pieces as all the other bloggers to show you belong.
Uniform checklist: Jeffrey Campbell Litas, Zara asymmetrical skort, Saint Laurent bowling bag, Illesteva sunnies, Equipment blouse.
5. Practicality is #basic.
Instead of actually wearing your coat, just drape it over your shoulders like a sad cape imposter. Don’t try to actually do anything though, or your coat will fall off. If you can’t get the hang of it, try duct tape on your shoulders. (It works!) Now just stand still, look pretty and hope someone will ask you to pose for their #streetstyle blog.
6. Learn the vocab.
In fashion, we don’t like to give too much away by actually using the name of the garment. We prefer to abbrev, because at this point we’ve forgotten what the actual full words are. Instead of skinny jeans, say skinnies. Instead of sunglasses, say sunnies. Other words to use constantly: curate, classic, chic, glam.
7. Invite yourself.
Didn’t get “officially” invited to #NYFW, aka New York Fashion Week? No worries, just stand outside the Lincoln Center and pose for some pictures. No one will know the difference anyway.
8. Paris > Philadelphia
Most importantly, don’t tell anyone you’re from Philly. Philadelphia is not exactly the fashion capital of the world. Everyone knows that Paris is the heart of the fashion industry, right? Start practicing your French accent right away. You should probably change your name legally, too. To consider: Brigitte, Genevieve.
Follow these instructions precisely and we guarantee that you will be the next “it” entity in fashion. Instead of wasting your precious time learning to spell and pronounce names like Balenciaga, Yves Saint Laurent or Jean Paul Gaultier, realize that they will probably not matter once you are the next big thing. You’re welcome.