By Anderson Pooper — The Brown Fox

[/media-credit] The 2013 U.S. Open Pooping Championshits was abound with ass kabobs, brown dragons, chocolate bananas, dookie doo, floaters, keester cakes, Mississippi mud, sewer serpents, Tom Cruise missiles and water logs.

It was Drexel’s first time making a deposit to the porcelain bank. President Jay Frizzle has always been the sport’s No. 2 fan, and he was proud to doo his doody and host the games.

“Drexel University is delighted to host the U.S. Open Pooping Championshits in Philadelphia, the porcelain throne on which liberty sits and the home of many of the game’s most soiled players and historic pooping venues,” Frizzle said.

Compootitors from all over the country contested all day in 15 different categories, including “The Teflon-Coated Poop,” where contestants are judged based on the cleanliness of their butt after pooping; “The Ghost Shit,” where competitors are required to show the judges dirty toilet paper, but the bowl has to be empty; and “The Frightened Turtle Doody,” where the judges must see poop coming out before the contestants use their rectum to suck it back in.

“I ate a lot of probiotic yogurt to prepare,” Stan Shitzer said. “The food you eat really matters. I was competing in the ‘Shit Diets’ event. You have to eat a lot of dense, fibrous foods so you can win by pooping out the most weight.”

The most popular event to watch was “The Morning After Getting Drunk Poop.” Vomit buckets were set up for the compootitors with low alcohol tolerance. Steve Doocey was the winner with the weirdest poop the morning after. His poop was green.

“Sometimes I take these pills for hangovers and they turn my poop green,” Doocey said. “Sorry, I took a shot before this interview. Just like Jennifer Lawrence, but for some reason, I’M NOT CONSIDERED CLASSY.”

The “Gooey Pooey” event used the most toilet paper with 9,893 rolls. The winner of the event wiped his butt a total of 239 times before the paper came out clean. The winner, who wishes to remain anonymous, now holds the U.S. Open Pooping Championshits record for the most toilet paper ever used in the Gooey Pooey event.

The “Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop” and “Lincoln Log Poo” events were uneventful. Last year’s victor in the Lincoln Log Poo was disqualified this year when traces of laxative were found in his toilet.

“It’s like [performance-enhancing drugs] for this sport; you just can’t take ‘em,” judge Lily Nowotshit said. “We don’t like cheaters here. We ask for everyone with irritable bowel syndrome not to eat Mexican food within 24 hours of the start of their event.”

The “Great Shit Splash” was a crowd favorite, recording water splashes of over 3-feet for some champooins. The winner with the largest splash after pooping won a moist towelette.

Although the games were enjoyed by many, they were still the subject of controversy, particularly among feminist poopers.

“There are no safety precautions for women. Have you ever gotten poop in your vagina? No? Because you’re a man? Well, it gives you the meanest UTI,” Stoolia Shitner, head of the Women for a Cleaner Vagina Organization, said. “We just want a mandatory rule to be passed forcing women to wear a poop shield.”

A pro-choice competitor said, “It’s my body, and I can poop where I want and however I want!”

Contestants all said they enjoyed the games this year. For the first time this year, there was a napping area set up for the athletes after their event was over.

“You know, sometimes after you take a huge shit, you just want to go to sleep. It was perfect. Such a great event,” Doocey said.

By: Archbishop Aspie

Starting with the summer 2013 quarter, Drexel University course registration time tickets will be assigned on a completely random basis, the Office of the University Registrar announced March 29.

The change is the fourth this academic year to the University’s time ticket assignment protocol. First, in October 2012, freshmen were given priority over all other undergraduates except athletes, ROTC students, military veterans and performing arts scholarship recipients. Shortly before registration for the 2013 winter quarter began later that month, the registration order was amended to give graduating seniors and Pennoni Honors College members priority over freshmen.

Based on feedback received after the completion of winter quarter registration, freshmen were returned to the end of the order for spring quarter registration. However, Honors College members and graduating seniors were kept in the first registration group instead of being returned to their original positions.

The registrar’s office received numerous complaints after each set of changes was announced. Provost Mark Iceberg said he hoped the latest change would put these complaints to rest once and for all.

“We worked our asses off trying to come up with a fair registration order, but our students just wouldn’t stop bitching no matter what we proposed,” Iceberg said. “Clearly the only thing that will shut up those ungrateful pricks is a registration order that’s completely free of subjectivity, and the only way to make such an order is to make it totally random.”

All students taking classes this summer, including students planning to take a class while on co-op, will be assigned a time ticket that opens between May 6 and 17 at a random minute between 7 a.m. and 10 p.m. In order to ensure that Drexel’s BannerWeb system does not crash during registration, no more than five students will be assigned to each minute of the day. As a result, students might find themselves registering at odd times such as 4:23 p.m.

As was the case after the previous time ticket changes, countless students were pissed off to hear about the latest change.

“The Drexel Shaft has fucked me in the ass pretty hard over the years, but this time it went halfway up my colon,” Matt Sturbitt, a junior entertainment and arts management major, said. “I’ve registered first every term since freshman year because of my theater scholarship, and now when I actually need the early time ticket to ensure I get into the last courses I need to graduate, they take it away and make it a roll of the dice.”

Registrar Joseph Salamander was quick to respond to early complaints about the random assignment protocol. In particular, he bluntly denied the claim that seniors would not be able to get into courses they need to graduate on time.

“That’s what closed-section overrides are for. This new time ticket system is here to stay, so if students don’t like it, they need to remember that it was done because they wouldn’t stop complaining when we tried to listen to them and make reasonable accommodations,” Salamander said.

With the number of closed-section override requests expected to increase, Salamander said he would appoint a “shafting committee” consisting of seven faculty and staff members who will decide which students get kicked out of classes to make room for graduating seniors who need those classes. Questions and comments about the new course registration policies may be emailed to deaf-ears@drexel.edu.

By Jeff Lebowski — The Dude

[/media-credit] Former Drexel power forward Samme Givens was oh-so-close to returning to the Dragons for an additional month of NCAA eligibility. Since he left the United States for the Dutch Basketball League, Givens has continued to rebound the holy hell out of the basketball.

As the 2013 NCAA Tournament field was revealed March 17 on CBS, the team gathered in the newly renovated locker rooms in the DAC for what was expected to be a joyous occasion. Instead, the team was left in shock when its name was not among the 68 teams listed on the bracket.

“I really thought the committee would put us in the field with another year to mull it over,” head coach James “Bruiser” Flint said. “I mean, just look at our resume. The team hasn’t lost in an entire year.”

The team finished 29-7 overall, which included a season-ending loss to the University of Massachusetts Amherst in the quarterfinals of the National Invitation Tournament. Only two teams in the 2013 NCAA Tournament field, the University of Memphis and Gonzaga University, have more wins than the Dragons.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous,” ESPN commentator Jay Bilas said. “I believe that it’s never too late to reward a team with the kind of consistency Drexel showed last season.”

One of the final teams to make the NCAA Tournament was fellow City 6 rival La Salle University. The Explorers were a surprise selection, as they finished with a 21-9 record, including losses in their final two games of the season.

“I’m really surprised we got in because we are just a horrendous team,” La Salle head coach John Giannini said. “For goodness sake, we even lost to Central Connecticut State.”

Back in October, the 2012-13 Dragons were picked to win the Colonial Athletic Association and advance to the NCAA Tournament with an automatic bid. But as the season spiraled, Flint began pushing for the previous season’s team to receive a postseason berth.

“I wrote to the NCAA offices a few times this season,” Flint said. “I was like, ‘Please let us in the tournament. Samme Givens would totally be willing to come back and play.’”

Givens, who was a senior last season, has been playing professional basketball for Aris Leeuwarden of the Dutch Basketball League. He has averaged 15.8 points and 7.8 rebounds per game with Aris Leeuwarden and even made the 2013 All-Star Gala.

However, Givens would have jumped at the chance to be awarded an additional month of NCAA eligibility in order to lead Drexel through the NCAA Tournament field.

“I had my bags packed and everything,” Givens said. “I was really excited to play against players five years younger than me and just breeze to the National Championship Game.”

Along with Givens, the Dragons also expected the return of former assistant coach Ashley Howard, who left the team after the 2011-12 season to accept the same position at Xavier University. Howard was instrumental in Drexel’s success, as he worked primarily with the guards to ensure good performance by the backcourt.

“Even though I left, I still feel a strong connection with the players on last year’s roster,” Howard said. “I literally would have given my right foot to Fist Couch so he would have been able to play. From what I hear, it’s a very simple procedure.”

Instead, Howard will stay in Cincinnati, Givens will stay in Holland, and the Dragons will have to watch March Madness on their freshly upholstered couches. Still, hopes remain high that the third time around will be the charm.

“They can’t leave us out again next year, can they?” point guard Flan Mastodon pleaded. “It’s getting pretty difficult to ignore our tremendous success from last season.”

Sources say the Drexel athletic department has the NCAA Tournament banner in storage just in case the members of the committee change their minds. But for now, that banner is as real as the Drexel Shaft (which was demolished three years ago, in case you were not aware).

By Alan Grant — Survivor

[/media-credit] Here is the aftermath of “Mag” escaping from the Papadakis Integrated Sciences Building. Come on dude, you completely wrecked the fucking side of the whole damn building. This will take another three years to fix… Drexel campus construction AMIRITE?!

In the days following the incident, witnesses recalled their horrific stories.

“All I saw were these ferocious teeth and long, scaly wings that stretched across the intersection,” a trembling student said. “It wrapped its tail around this guy and whipped him around until he stopped moving. Then it ate him. It was the second-most terrifying thing I saw that day, after my dinner at the [Handschumacher Dining Center].”

“We were in the science building and saw the creature burst out of a lab, fly to the biowall, and crawl down to the exit,” another witness said. “We didn’t know what it was at first. We really thought it was an elaborate float for a parade.”

But it wasn’t a float. This was a biologically engineered creature made possible by a feat of science. The effort began when Drexel paleontology professor Lenny Cockovara was able to get his hands on genetic material from dinosaurs. Other attempts to uncover the lucrative DNA of these creatures, which have been extinct for tens of millions of years, had so far been futile. Cockovara was the first to succeed.

“The Academy of Natural Sciences [of Drexel University] was doing one of its many insect displays, and they came across these mosquitoes preserved in amber that looked really old,” he said. “So they contacted me to see if I could tell what era they were from, and we found something extraordinary in the process.”

“Let me guess, the mosquitoes still had dinosaur blood in them?” a Rectangle reporter asked Cockovara.

“How’d you know?” he asked.

“Because this is shaping up to be the plot of ‘Jurassic Park,’” the reporter said. And she was right.

Cockovara and other Drexel scientists took the DNA from that dinosaur blood and paired it with the genetic material from a bat and a turtle to cover all the parts a dragon would have.

“The goal was to create a replica of the statue students see every day on campus,” Drexel public relations chair Mickey Giano said. “It’s so iconic, and we wanted to bring it to life.”

Like the film, in which a rich philanthropist gave scientists unlimited funds to clone dinosaurs, the quest to give Drexel a live mascot was made possible through a steady stream of capital — undergraduate tuition. $10,000 from each student was funneled directly into the project, which was meant to strike fear in the hearts of Drexel’s many athletic opponents. Brick Miller, Drexel’s athletic director, said: “We play some competitive teams, but they have these ridiculous ‘mascot’ characters who are really just starving students in costumes. But imagine, as an opposing team, walking up to a Drexel-hosted game to see a chained dragon sitting next to the bleachers. I wouldn’t want to show up to that game.”

Scientists had successfully birthed a first batch of dragons, breeding them in a lab for four generations until the creature met the specifications Giano’s office had described.

The beast, nicknamed “Mag” after the “Mario the Magnificent” moniker and in reference to the scientific innovations that made it possible, was watched carefully and fed a steady diet of ferrets as it grew into the ferocious animal that Drexel’s mascot is known as.

Then, during spring cleaning, a janitor unknowingly unlocked the lab and flipped a switch by the door, which he assumed was the light switch. It was actually the release for the terrarium in which the beast was being held. Mag broke free, biting the janitor’s head off and making his escape.

According to witnesses, the dragon sauntered out of the building’s 33rd Street exit, where he began his feast. Mag satiated his appetite by feeding only on male students — mostly skinny, hairless boys known as twinks. This opened up a whole new sexual dynamic in the gay community that would take years to fully dissect. But one thing was for sure: Mag liked the “D.”

Bringing dual meaning to the word “flaming,” the dragon made his way toward Market Street, eating more students and occasionally breathing fire on passers-by to barbecue his meal before he ate. Once he was full, he flew off into the distance.

Cockovara spoke with the Philadelphia Police Department when they arrived on the scene, and after they heard that the dragon took off to New Jersey, they were ready to leave.

“It’s Camden’s problem now,” one officer was overheard saying. “Although I don’t know how that shithole of a city could get any worse.”

Despite the devastation, one student lamented not having the dragon anymore.

“It would’ve been so cool to have at games,” he said. “There’d be no more fighting about which school has the best mascot because you’d see this fearsome animal and you’d be convinced. Although I guess it’d be distracting if it were biting heads off during the game.”

Mag left a trail of cracked pavement, overturned vehicles, blood stains and shattered windows in his wake. Regarding the damage, University Facilities said, “We’ll get to it when we get to it.”

Gatling guns have since been mounted on every University building, and “dragon cams” have been installed in high spots to prevent a terrible sequel, I mean second attack, on Drexel.

By: Raven Lemonhead

Since the flood of Race Street Hall Feb. 23, in-depth investigations have taken place to determine the cause of the sprinkler activation on the sixth floor of the residence hall. Initial reports from Drexel Public Safety stated that there was a fire in the basement, but recent evidence has confirmed that a troll in the dungeon activated the sprinkler system.

Resident assistant James Michaels was found in the dungeon, which is located beneath the Library Learning Terrace, by one of the contracted cleaning crews the day after the flood. He was on duty and was responsible for monitoring the dungeon the night of the flood. He was conscious, but he could not move because his leg was caught under a piece of rubble. Paramedics arrived soon after and rescued Michaels.

“We did a preliminary medical exam, checked all vitals, and he seemed fine, but he was muttering a bunch about a troll,” one of the responding paramedics said. “He wouldn’t stop talking about it, and despite his protests, we had to take him to the hospital.” Instead of taking Michaels to Drexel’s hospital ward, he was taken straight to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries psychological ward.

Three students discovered the troll March 24 beneath the Spring Garden Street Bridge. Evidently, after buying all the Doritos in their neighborhood corner store during finals week, they were attempting to cross the bridge in search of more. The troll stopped the three students and threatened to “gobble them up,” according to freshman Garrett Rough, who was the first to cross the bridge.

Rough told the troll to wait for pre-junior Billy Gruffington, who he said was larger and had an affinity for pie, in an attempt to convince the troll to eat Gruffington instead. When Gruffington arrived, he told the troll to hold his appetite again and wait for senior George Gruff, who was the largest of them all and the last to cross the bridge. Gruff, an All-American starting linebacker for Drexel’s football team, took advantage of the now weak-with-hunger troll and threw him over the bridge onto the train tracks. The three students called Drexel Public Safety for assistance with the unconscious troll. President Jay Frizzle is awarding each of them 20 points for bravery and intellectual competence.

Since the troll’s capture, Michaels has been discharged from St. Mungo’s, and the troll has been transported to the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University for further evaluation. It has been determined that the troll was born from the rubble of the Drexel Shaft in 2009.

Upon the completion of biological studies, the troll will be used for commercial purposes. In order to increase student excitement for Drexel’s Spring Jam, Frizzle and the Campus Activities Board are planning to have a duel on Vidas Field between Mario the Dragon and the troll. Those who were evacuated from Race Hall due to the flood will receive complimentary VIP tickets.

The Office of Campus Activities has announced that a Troll Prevention and Awareness club has been created. So far, Frizzle, the Residential Living Office and University Housing have made no statement of what will be done to prevent future troll invasions.

By: Liz Lemonade

The music industry has been on fire recently with the release of Justin Timberlake’s third studio album, “The 20/20 Experience,” and the announcement that Timberlake and Jay-Z will be going on tour together. However, there’s a new kid in town:  Screaming Goat. If you haven’t seen this musically blessed goat on YouTube sneaking his way into Taylor Swift’s “I Knew You Were Trouble” and other artists’ songs, your Internet is broken. 

Old MacDonald, Screaming Goat’s owner, made an announcement via YouTube March 18 that the goat will be going on tour this summer. The announcement of the summer tour, titled the “Ain’t Goat Nothin’ On Me Tour,” was also paired with the exciting news that the goat will be releasing his debut album this June, just in time for the tour. The self-titled album will include “Goat-Scream and Shout” featuring Britney Spears, “Baby Goat Back” featuring Sir Mix-A-Lot, and “I Goat It From My Momma.”

The hyped-up tour is set to feature several big-name stars, including Beyonce, Adele, Bruno Mars, Drake, Justin Bieber and Mumford & Sons. Stars have allegedly been fighting tooth and nail for a spot on the tour, knowing how much publicity they will gain from being part of this tour.

Surprisingly, Taylor Swift will not be joining Screaming Goat on tour. The Rectangle got the inside scoop about Swift’s exclusion from an exclusive interview with the goat himself. Miley Cyrus was asked to translate the goat’s screams and bahhhs. Cyrus is fluent in Goat, having spent much of her childhood on a farm. Plus, she kind of talks funny.

“After working with Taylor professionally, I personally don’t feel comfortable working with her again,” Cyrus translated. “She kept petting me and twirling my goatee, and fuck, I’m just not OK with that. She has a reputation to date anybody who looks at her, and I’m pretty sure she was making moves on me. She even offered to milk me.”

Cyrus refused to translate the rest of the interview out of pure disgust.

The majority of the show will be a collaboration between Screaming Goat and the featured artists. The goat said that every song performed will be his own interpretation of the original songs.

“He’s just really deep and musically talented,” Beyonce said. “We were in the recording studio last week, and he really opened my eyes to a new style of music. Out of everybody I’ve collaborated with, I have to say Screaming Goat is my favorite.”

Beyonce was spotted leaving the goat’s residence in February, raising speculation that an album was in the works. When asked what she was doing at the farm, Beyonce claimed that she was simply searching for more farm animal talent.

“If this goat’s talents were kept hidden from us for so long, imagine how many other talented animals there are out there,” Beyonce said. “I mean, if Usher can discover Justin Bieber, I want to discover the next singing chicken.”

Although the majority of the set list consists of duets, there will be a few original songs written, composed and sung by Screaming Goat. These will consist of three and a half minutes of goat screaming while he runs into instruments.

Even Gotye has shown interest in recording a song with Screaming Goat. The goat said that a lot of his inspiration comes from Gotye.

“Gotye just gets me,” Screaming Goat baah-ed. Because Cyrus refused to translate the rest of the interview, the screaming goat was hooked up to a computer that translated his speech and read it in Kanye West’s voice.

“I feel like we’ve gone through the same things in life. Gotye has had his heart broken; so have I. I was in a long-term relationship with the goat next door, but she left me for a llama. Do goats and llamas even mate? I don’t know, man. Now she’s just somebody that I used to know,” the goat explained sadly.

Tickets to the “Ain’t Goat Nothin’ On Me Tour” are set to go on sale in a few weeks, starting at $150 for nosebleed seats. Fans have the chance to win a VIP package to the show, which includes an autographed (hoof-printed) photo and an opportunity to pet Screaming Goat after the show.

Justin Timberlake’s people talked to The Rectangle, saying that they fear the tour will compete with Timberlake’s tour, drastically affecting ticket sales.

So, where do we see Screaming Goat in the future? Rumors have risen that the goat will be the next celebrity judge on American Idol, so really the show will have a second Nicki Minaj. And can I say Grammy opener? If we’re lucky.

Unless you want to miss the show of a lifetime, buy your tickets to the “Ain’t Goat Nothin’ On Me Tour” yesterday, because that’s the only way you’re going to get them before they sell out.

It was a beautiful day in Hollywood as director J.J. Abrams sat at his desk, coming up with creative ways to incorporate more lens flare into his movies.

“I just really love the fact that it feels like you’re staring at the sun without any regard for your eyes,” the bespectacled 46-year-old director said. He’s the mind behind television shows “Alias,” “Fringe” and “Lost,” or as some call it, “What the fuck is going on?!”

At that moment, Abrams put down his pen and began to contemplate the plot for the new “Star Wars” movie that he was chosen to direct for a 2015 debut that will be released under the Disney banner. The company purchased Lucasfilm for $4 billion in October 2012 on the condition that the frozen head of Walt Disney would be placed in the custody of George Lucas. Many fans of the trilogy have dismissed this as a disgraceful ploy for more money and have started to refer to it as “Star Wars Episode VII: The Search for More Money.”

The director had this to say: “It’s a way to fuse two of the most popular universes in cinematic history. My contract requires me to incorporate Buzz Lightyear into the film in some way. We’re also under a lot of pressure to make Emperor Zurg the main villain. In fact, the title might just end up being ‘Toy Story 4.’”

Abrams, no stranger to the science-fiction genre, was behind 2009’s insanely popular reboot of the “Star Trek” franchise, which has an upcoming sequel due this spring titled “Star Trek: Chris Pine Fights That Guy from ‘Sherlock.’” He also wrote and directed 2011’s “Super 8,” a coming-of-age story that involved an alien on the loose.

“I really wanted to name it ‘The Plot of Every Spielberg Movie Ever Made,’ but the studio just wouldn’t go for it,” Abrams said on his labor of love.

Although Abrams has been very hush-hush on the details of the newest installment in the six-movie saga, he let it slip that the actors from the original films will be reprising their roles.

In addressing the impact that age of the actors will have on this film, Abrams said:

“Age is just a number. These characters are still as badass as ever. The writers have a great story lined up for Han, Luke and Leia in which they go on a journey to pick up their Social Security checks from the local county office. It’s gonna be a bureaucratic nightmare that really evokes the themes of the first three movies. We deal with some pretty adult and current stuff in this movie like erectile dysfunction. Get ready for a bunch of droopy lightsabers, if you catch my drift. Also, Chewie is going bald and dealing with a mid-life crisis while C-3P0 and R2-D2 are engaged in a civil union. Even Obi-Wan plays a part, and we dug up Alec Guinness’ body just for the occasion! I’d also really like to get Carrie [Fisher] into that sexy number she wore in Jabba’s palace in ‘Return of the Jedi,’ but the MPAA is threatening to give us an X rating if we do.”

The reboot of the “Star Wars” franchise has also caused unrest and jealousy within the directing community, especially among those who have helmed other popular movie franchises.

“Two can play at that game,” Steven Spielberg said. Spielberg is now in talks to begin directing a new Indiana Jones film titled “Indiana Jones and the Dollar Signs of Doom.”

The 66-year-old filmmaker said, “We really want to keep the fans guessing about the plot of the fifth movie, but it essentially involves destroying the fabric of the Indy-verse even further by amplifying up the ridiculousness. That means adding more aliens and fridge escapes. I think Batman makes a cameo at some point, but nothing’s set in stone.”

Upon hearing this, Robert Zemeckis began planning a fourth part of “Back To The Future” in which Marty (Michael J. Fox) is mauled by an angry mob of fans because he raped their childhoods.

“This one is more of a documentary, mostly due to the fact that it’s actually happening,” Zemeckis said while hiding in his Hollywood home as Molotov cocktails were flung over the walls of his estate and enraged fans chanted, “Great Scott!”

Abrams wasn’t too worried, though, despite constant death threats from individuals who call themselves Boba Fett and Greedo. He propped his feet up on his desk and took a longing look out his window onto a beautiful view of a crowd of angry protesters who were calling for the film to be canceled.

“I’m doing this all for the fans,” he said, gesturing to the picketers below. “I grew up on ‘Star Wars’ and want to do this new movie right. We’re going to give more character development and go into their backstories a little more. As it turns out, Luke and Leia are Jewish. Who knew?”

He closed his eyes and smiled, looking so serene before speaking once more: “Just in case, I’d better call my life insurance agent.”

By: Washington Irving

SEPTA officials protested the transportation system’s shitty budget March 20 by engaging in ritualistic self-sacrifice in the inner courtyard of City Hall. As a result, Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett cut a shit ton of SEPTA’s funding.

After tying up traffic for 30 minutes, the last of the members made it into the central courtyard of City Hall. Witnesses reported several members of the procession carving a large SEPTA logo surrounded by bizarre runes deep into the pavement. A man who was later identified as SEPTA General Manager Joseph M. Casey, wearing a gray robe and wizard’s hat, stood in the center of the engraving with a megaphone and a staff that appeared to have been constructed from an old trolley pole and read a list of demands.

Among the grievances mentioned were that SEPTA was unable to scrounge up enough money even to remove the frighteningly corroded 52nd Street Bridge, let alone repair it. Other complaints included that the agency was being forced to close the Schuylkill River Bridge at Norristown indefinitely because there was not enough money to fund a study to fix it and that the agency had no money to renovate City Hall Station, which is in deplorable condition.

Casey further asked rhetorically how a city of this size could even function with only two heavy-rail subway lines, and he suggested that the lack of economic development in many parts of the city could simply be because of inadequate transit. Casey lectured for two hours on the inadequacies he was forced to deal with and how he lacked sufficient funding to create a world-class transit system.

Casey concluded by saying, “For too long our cries have gone unnoticed by the powers that be. Our pledge to provide the public with convenient, clean and comfortable public transportation cannot be fulfilled with the restrictions put upon us. You can’t cut back on funding. You’ll regret this.”

The assembled crowd of robed SEPTA employees began chanting again in Aramaic, much louder this time. Onlookers were in shock, knowing something terrible was about to occur and that they could do nothing about it because assaulting a SEPTA transit operator is a crime. Dark storm clouds converged over the assembly, and lightning struck Casey’s staff 13 times while they chanted the names of the 13 regional rail lines.

Casey then tapped his staff twice on the ground, and the runic engraving of the SEPTA logo burst into blue and red flames 20 feet tall. Casey was immediately reduced to ashes, and the flames quickly grew to encompass the entire square, annihilating the assembled crowd of SEPTA employees. The flames subsided after several minutes, leaving the walls of City Hall unscathed, though the courtyard was missing the two entrances to the Broad Street Line.

Eyewitness accounts report that similar flames spread throughout the entire SEPTA system, and those few who escaped reported seeing the subway vanish before them. Subway entrances across the city have mysteriously disappeared, and geological testing has indicated that the tunnels no longer exist in any fashion. Regional rail tracks have similarly disappeared, converted overnight to “rails-to-trails” pathways for cyclists. Passengers on the system during the incident have not been found and are presumed dead. All SEPTA tokens were reported to have exploded like firecrackers at the same moment, injuring thousands and sparking at least 300 fires in Center City alone, which, as of the time of this article’s publication, are still burning.

The SEPTA office at 1234 Market St. was found to have been replaced by a parking lot, as have Suburban Station, Market East Station and the 40th Street Trolley Terminal. Bus service is still running, but let’s face it — who out there can figure out the bus system?

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett has responded to the bizarre happenings by cutting SEPTA funding by $200 million for the 2014 fiscal year.

By: Irving Washington

The Triangle is far superior to The Daily Pennsylvanian.

Ladies and gentlemen, I recently picked up a newspaper by the Wawa at 36th and Chestnut streets. This free paper, The Daily Pennsylvanian, simply isn’t worth the price. I cannot understand why anyone would trust a media outlet like The DP, a bastion of Ivy League snobbery and irrelevancy that I never could have previously imagined might exist.

The DP publishes daily. I mean, who has time to read that? I don’t even have time to read the whole Triangle each week, what with my busy TV and drinking schedule. How can I read a newspaper every day? At this point, The DP might as well come out and say that it’s publishing entirely for the ad revenues, which its staff presumably spends on extravagant office space and faux “Olde English” fonts for their paper’s front page and long, indecent nights out at the gentlemen’s club underneath the Chili’s on 38th Street.

Furthermore, The DP is published by a bunch of Ivy League elitists with more “education” and money than common sense. They’re sitting there in their ivory tower at 4015 Walnut St., completely divorced from reality and thinking they know what news the common student needs. Oh, sure, they’ll give you “news,” but is it really news? Or is it just the agenda of some “educated” Ivy League elitist “editor”? I don’t think I need scare quotes for you to realize the real answer to that question.

I’ll tell you what students really need: a simple paper, published in a simple language, to reflect the humble and simple life led by our University’s founder (and partner in J.P. Morgan & Co.), Anthony J. Drexel. I want a newspaper like The Triangle, unblemished by academic elitism or snooty Ivy League pretension, a paper that has pulled itself up from nothing by its own bootstraps to become the greatest publication in all of University City. Not like the elitist DP.

And don’t get me started on the name: they call themselves The DP. Seriously? Are they that naive? I’m pretty sure that if you randomly go searching for a website called www.theDP.com, you’re looking for something other than news.

Furthermore, they just don’t publish information relevant to my needs. I mean, I can’t find out anything happening at Drexel from The DP, and if I can’t find that, then what use is it? I might as well pick up the Citypaper, which at least has pictures of naked ladies in the back. That’s at least more useful to me than news about the University of Pennsylvania’s campus or how its student organizations are exceling at all kinds of things with which Drexel would rather not concern itself. Because of this, The DP is of almost no use to me, and, by the transitive property of equality, any other person in the world.

The DP is a disgrace, and I am certain that if it were a Drexel student organization, the University would rightfully shut it down. However, it is unfortunately independent and therefore out of our control, so other measures will have to be taken. I recommend that an addition to the University Code of Conduct calling for the expulsion of any students caught with a copy of The DP be enacted as soon as possible. I’m sure my fellow students would agree with me.

Known as the King of West Philadelphia, Frizzle was commended for the sexy way he listens when reporters ask him questions at press conferences and the way he walks with only one hand in his pocket. His hair part won its own award for Most Badass Fucking Part in Da Business. Might as well call us the Wet-itorial Board, because he makes our pants totally swampy. We all totally agree with all these honors bestowed upon our president.

Not only do we agree that Frizzle is a total hottie, but he also cares about our safety. He singlehandedly hunted down the man who stabbed University of Pennsylvania grad student Al-Moez Alimohamed in the 90s. As soon as the sun sets, he puts on his bat suit and runs around West Philadelphia fighting crime. Have you ever wondered why the amount of Drexel Alerts have declined over the past couple years? Two words: Jay Frizzle. Drexel Public Safety was ranked third in the country for public safety. It’s because Frizzle eats criminals FOR DINNER.

And it’s not just students whom Frizzle cares about; he’s also the sexy superhero of our less fortunate neighbors in West Philly. He may want us to think that he only uses traditional fundraising methods to finance all the construction he directs on campus and in the surrounding neighborhoods, but we know that he really just uses that irresistible look in his eyes to convince rich people to fork over their cash for the betterment of our neighbors’ quality of life.

With that same look, he inspires countless members of our University community to dedicate themselves to civic engagement. The term “civic engagement” would cease to exist without Frizzle because nobody would give a shit about volunteering if they didn’t have the seductive motivation that only Frizzle can provide.

What we want to know is why Justin Bieber is a thing when there is a big hunk of man walking around like Frizzle? A higher power put him on this earth for boys and girls to fawn over. We vote that Frizzle is on this month’s cover of GQ magazine. Scratch that. He should be on the cover forever. Every other male is irrelevant when Frizzle graces the Earth with his presence. Or he could just have his own sexy magazine.

Our verdict? Jay Frizzle is one sexy beast and we would like some more, please.