Quad Aid concert to return quad to former glory

What better way to kick off spring term than to have a music festival? Tons of schools in the area agree! I’m sure you’ve heard of Spring Jam.

Well, this year the entire budget was spent on getting iconic rapper Lil Uzi Vert for Winter Jam. In lieu of a Spring Jam, Campus Activities Board will be holding a benefit concert instead: “Quad Aid.” The event will be held at Drexel April 8.

The mission is simple: to return the Drexel Quad to its former glory; to give the students back the nicest shortcut on campus. Now there’s an issue we can get behind! It’s nice to see a charity event that’s not centered around politics for once. Feed the starving children? Help victims of natural disasters? Give the homeless a place to sleep? Those issues just serve to divide people; best to keep your political opinions to yourself.

Since CAB started collecting money in efforts to re-open the Quad, which has been fenced off and under construction since early January, they have already raised over $18 million from students, alumni and anonymous benefactors. At this rate, Quad Aid is slated to be one of the most successful benefit concerts of all time!

Because of the incredible success of Quad Aid in such a short amount of time and the low cost involved in actually fixing the Quad, the CAB plans on using most, if not all of the charity money towards booking a killer lineup for this year’s hottest Drexel concert event.

The concert will be held in the parking lot between University Crossings and Curtis Hall, with a main stage set up near 30th Street Station and a smaller side stage near Curtis Hall.

And the lineup doesn’t disappoint! Headlining on the main stage are Beyonce, early Coldplay and a special collaborative performance by all the original artists from the original “Shrek” soundtrack. On the side stage, there will be performances from 311, Vanessa Carlton, Father John Misty and the All-American Rejects.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Beyonce is sooooooo pregnant!” Worry not. Beyonce will not be singing or dancing. Rather, she plans on doing a special, on-stage Lamaze class with the help of Dr. Oz (of “The Dr. Oz Show” fame).

“It’s going to be such a magical experience, breathing in sync with a whole lot of students. I know college is first and foremost a time for learning, so I’m just glad to be teaching them something that will actually help them someday,” explained Beyonce, regarding the prospect of showing Drexel students, many of whom have not even been laid, how to cope with labor using Lamaze breathing.

Early Coldplay should also be a huge hit for casual listeners and college hipsters alike. CAB offered Coldplay an extra $5 million to play “just songs off their first two records,” to appease the refined taste of college music fans.

“Coldplay sold out after ‘OK Computer.’ Everyone knows that. I mean, ‘Kid A’? More like ‘Kid GAY.’ I’m just excited to hear some early stuff off ‘Origins of Symmetry’ and ‘Showbiz’ back when they were actually good,” freshman music industry student Jay-Tee Hernandez explained.

It’ll be a magical experience to see Smash Mouth, Baha Men, Rufus Wainwright and more all sharing a stage, reliving the music of one of DreamWorks’ most prolific films. Rumor has it, Counting Crows may even make a surprise appearance to reprise “Accidentally in Love” from “Shrek 2.”

I know there are a lot of great performances to see on the main stage, but please don’t sleep on the side stage. There are going to be some seriously great performances this year. ’90s reggae rock gods 311 will be playing all the hits. All of them! I don’t even know where to start, there are just so many. Vanessa Carlton, who has sworn off playing “A Thousand Miles” for life, will also be playing. It’ll be great, she has all these other songs that are totally just as good!

Father John Misty, who recently made a bold artistic decision to stop playing music altogether until the politics clear up, will be sitting atop a grand piano, reading passages from the Bible backwards in his best French. I hope you guys are ready for some true, pure art.

The All-American Rejects originally declined to play because of how much they have grown to hate their own music, but once the CAB told them it would be a paying gig, they jumped at the opportunity. Word on the street is they’ve been living off ramen noodles for the past decade or so after blowing their “Move Along” money on hookers and cocaine.

Make sure to get your ticket for Quad Aid as soon as possible, because they are sure to sell out soon! The price is “pay-what-you-want” so be sure to be as charitable as possible if you want to see the return of our glorious Quad.