April 01, 2016 by Hobo Jim
This year’s Oscars were especially notable—not just for Leo’s long-awaited win, but for opening fresh controversies on race and discrimination in Hollywood. Big-name celebrities like Jada Pinkett Smith and Spike Lee decided to boycott the ceremony, citing a glaring lack of African American nominees and using the viral hasthag #OscarsSoWhite. However, one demographic, utilizing the hasthtag #OscarsSoHuman, is now becoming even more vocal over the excess of homo-sapien nominees–the Reptilians among us.
The clandestine alien race of blood-drinking, human-enslaving monsters has decided to come forward over the issue; that and John Carpenter’s erroneous depiction of them in “They Live!,” which, according to an official Saurian press release, “[Has been] bugging them for years.”
“We control this entire puny race of weak-minded apes you call humans,” Reptilian spokesperson Xalculon Z34, also known as Joe Biden, said. “I mean, we killed off the Elder Things and the dinosaurs when we came to this planet millions of years ago. You would think we could get a few more of our kind nominated.”
The press release calls the Oscars a “sham,” a “laughable and insignificant blip on the universe’s cosmic radar” and something in the Lizard native language that cannot be read by the human tongue but equates to every curse word and racial slur in the earthly lexicon.
“There’s definitely a conspiracy against us,” Biden continued. “Why do you think it took so long for Leo to win Best Actor? He’s one of us! No human is that talented.”
The press release from The Office of Lizard People Affairs (a.k.a. The White House) also touched on a number of other topics such as secret societies like the Free Masons and Illuminati, which were founded by the Saurians for “shits and gigs” to throw humans off the scent of their world domination.
“Humans are so easily manipulated that it’s almost not fair,” Grammy-winning artist and proud Reptilian Beyonce (or Blaxvulor 6) said. “Throw a few crop circles and ass probe rumors their way and they all lose their minds. I mean what’s this human obsession with butts? As an asexual species, we Lizard People find it kind of weird and creepy.” On the subject of other famous musicians, Blaxvulor set the record straight on one notorious public figure: “Kanye is all human,” she said. “Please don’t associate us with that freak of nature.”
On the political front, the otherworldly beings responsible for some of the worst tragedies in recorded history are leaning toward Hillary.
“We almost always vote for one of our own,” former President John F. Kennedy said, who faked his own death (Lizard People live for thousands of years) to live a quiet existence of having sex with beautiful young human women before devouring their tasty and supple flesh. “And let’s face it,” he continued, “not even reptoids, with our advanced futuristic technology, can control that nut job Trump with the good ol’ fashioned brainwashing that’s been serving us so well for eons. Even we’re scared of him and we invented the human archetype of fear!”
Biden says it should be an eventful year for both the Lizard and human peoples, “At least until the Great Old Ones–Blessed Be Them—awake from their cosmic slumber and reclaim this plane of existence by killing everyone and destroying all the insignificant and meaningless monuments the inhabitants of earth have built for naught … In other news, the Lizard Council has decided that chicken fingers are now a vegetable. That should keep you humans happy for another century or so.”